Category Archives: Uncategorized

JO to TO? Please BC

The Key to the Treasure Chest of ‘010

Too many acronyms? Who cares, the Raps may soon have the best frontcourt in the Eastern Conference. According to the Indianapolis Star (via the Arsenalist), Jermaine O’Neal could become a member of the Toronto Raptors. And we’d get rid of TJ Ford? Outtttttstanding.

The Star is reporting that a TJ-Rasho-17 package could net the Raps the veteran lefty. Though I am a little tentative to include the 17, if the Pacers demand it, BC should pull the trigger. JO is a defensive force who could instantly improve one of the Raptors’ key weaknesses. Throw in the rebounding help, the guys averaged 8.8 or more 6 of the past 7 seasons*, and this deal is money for the Raps. Although Rasho is an effective, intelligent baller, his exit, like TJ’s, was inevitable considering the attractive combo of his play and expiring contract. Speaking of expiring contracts…

Unlike the many pundits who feel JO’s exorbitant contract is a negative, to me, it’s the most enticing aspect of the deal. I’m shocked more teams aren’t chasing JO. Why? Primarily because JO’s deal ends in 2010, or the year of the greatest free agent class of all time. Here’s the mind-boggling list of 010′ FAs (lifted from Stop Mike Lupica):

Joe Johnson
Ray Allen
Ben Wallace
LeBron James (player option, likely)
Dirk Nowitzki (player option, unlikely)
Josh Howard (player option, likely)
Marcus Camby
Rip Hamilton
Stephen Jackson
Tracy McGrady
Shaquille O’Neal
Dwyane Wade (player option for 10/11, unlikely)
Michael Redd (player option for 10/11, likely)
Tyson Chandler (player option for 10/11 – 50/50)
Eddy Curry (player option for 10/11 – 50/50)
Amare Stoudemire (player option for 10/11, unlikely)
Brad Miller
Manu Ginobili
Chris Bosh (player option for 10/11, unlikely)
How disgusting is that?

Basically, this deal is an experiment that cannot fail. For the next two years, rolling the dice with an injury-plagued JO is much more appealing than extending Teej’s pouting. Best-case scenario, the two lefties dominate the post, allowing countless doublers to be burnt off wide-open threes from AP, Kapones, and Calderon. Worst-case scenario, and it’s pretty bad, JO goes down to injuries and we’re stuck with regular Humph time.  Whatever, the possible reward is worth the risk.

Making the worst-case scenario much more manageable is what would follow. After 2 years, if JO falters, which I admit seems pretty likely, there’ll always be the light at the end of the tunnel that is Manu. Or Rip. Or Lebron. Or Melo. Or D-Wade. Or Redd. Or Captain Jack. Or Dirk. Or Josh Howard.

Honestly, this contract, considering the timing and value of the deal, is the most valuable expiring contract in the Association. Having JO in 2010 guarantees a premier player that summer. Plus, if the Raps’ realize the premier FAs of ‘010 won’t sign with Toronto, they could move JO to a team with a hardon for one of those dudes. What could we get for that contract? Think of the possibilities. If my scenario plays out, as I hope and pray it does, then TJ-Rasho-17 now could, and this is an enormous could, turn into LeBron later. Insane hypothetical, I know, but still within the realm of possibility.  A possibility that makes the 17 an afterthought. Make it happen BC.

*Some nice cherry-pickin’




Leave a comment

Filed under Chris Bosh, Indiana Pacers, Jermaine O'Neal, Lebron James, Manu Ginobili, NBA, TJ Ford, Toronto Raptors, Uncategorized

Matt Hughes and his “Family Values”

Being a practitioner of the kicking while down life philosophy, I just have to discuss Matt Hughes’ “Family Values” Though I used to think living in a place like Iowa automatically made someone morally superior, after watching the latest installment of UFC All Access, my views have changed a lil bit. Thanks for the enlightenment Matt Hughes.

Check out this video of Rachelle Leah visiting Matt Hughes on his Iowa farm. First of all she looks amazing, spending the duration of the piece in a Daisy Dukes get-up. Awesome. Anyways, Matty Hughes too noticed the gorgeous ring girl and spent the majority of the piece flirting with his guest. At one point he even grabs her off a horse and carries her away, most likely to a barn for a roll in the hay*. While I would have no problem with this kind of behavior between two single peeps (I suspect not having sex with a single female guest in Iowa could get you banned from the state**), Hughes spent the tail end of the piece preaching the beauty of family values. Turns out the guy had a wife and two kids hidden inside while he was frolicking outside with one of the most beautiful girls in the room. Nice. I too believe the application of “values” to be purely situational. When eating ideal dinner featuring ideal corn*** with ideal family: Important. When with single ring girl: Not so much.

Heres the link:

*Since they are in fact on a farm, this is not a lazy generalization, but instead clever wordplay. Do not be offended.

**Offended? Totally understandable.

***Well, what does Iowa grow then?

Leave a comment

Filed under Matt Hughes, MMA, Rachelle Leah, UFC, Uncategorized

The NBA Finals and Deja Vu

Game 1’s Signature Moment

First of all, no, the Deja Vu in the title does not refer to any nostalgic pandering. I have no idea what the rivalry was like in the past and comparing one game in 2008 to anything in the 1980s would be ridiculous (except Top Gun. Posey and KG). The Deja Vu I’m talking bout is the Denzel shitfest of 2006. Well, what does another mailed-in Denzel film have to do with the NBA Finals you ask? Well, absolutely nothing but I just finished watching the “truth” (wait a tick) and I needed a venue to vent about the absurdity of the sci-fi thriller. So here goes.

The Unfathomable Trio

Adam Goldberg and Denzel Washington Award for Most Inexcusable Duo – Since I’m basically making shit up as I look at last nite’s boxscore, lets go with Pau Gasol and Kevin Garnett. On the one hand you have Gasol, the greasy maniacal Spaniard whose patchy neck beard would draw laughter in Appalachia, let alone downtown LA. On the other, we got KG, or the most charismatic presence to lace up the hightops this decade (20,000 notches secures the all-time post) Their Deja Vu counterparts, which kills me to do since I fucking hate Denzel, are pretty obvious. I mean Denzel Washington may well be the most charismatic person on earth. Seriously, name another public figure who can repeat the same performance dozens of times and yet receive critical acclaim and public love. It’s infuriating, he plays himself every movie. Come to think of it, so does Adam Goldberg. Damn, this list is fucked already. Whatever, its not about whether they play themselves in every movie, which they do, but the absurdity of their pairing. You got Goldberg, the insecure, sarcastic, smug hipster and Denzel, the uber-confident, smooth everyman. Counterparts, counterparts…How bout Sam Cassell and courttime?

Mr. Zen meditating on ways to escape the Finals unscathed

Unaccountability Ribbon – To the coach that, like the film, may be the only piece of cinema immune from plot inconsistency criticism, Phil Jackson. This man is the most unaccountable for Lakers’ losses yet his genius is constantly used as reasoning for their success. If the Lakers lose, you know Kobe will take the brunt of the blame, yet Jackson will point to the Celtics’ superior team play to justify the loss, simultaneously covering his own ass and throwing his players under the bus.

Where have you been Paula? You made the shitpile of Deja Vu mildly watchable

Paula Patton Award for Infuriating Absence – Pretty easy award here, Mr. Eddie House. Sam Cassell may be truly fucked. Who does he think he is? How the hell has he ever gotten starters’ minutes in the NBA. The guy chucks like mad. I have no earthly idea why he gets so frustrated with his teammates either. He doesn’t pass. He doesn’t look to pass. He only shoots. Its shocking he even recognizes his fellow Celtics, let alone speaks to them. House then was the Paula Patton of last nite’s match. Like Patton, I too wonder when I will see him again (for completely different reasons however. I mean, look at her. Where the fucks she been?) Every 5-man unit House was a part of during the regular season was successful. The crowd loves him. His son watches every game from the bench. Give this man some minutes. Like Paula Patton, I miss the House.

Jim Caviezel Award for Biggest Turnaround – Very easy here, if only for the whole savior symmetry, Ray Allen. Unlike Caviezel, who went from playing JESUS to playing a bigoted terrorist whose motives for destruction are never quite revealed, Ray-Ray has had a positive turnaround during this postseason. I mean, guy put up a crazy game last nite. 19 points, 8 rebounds, 5 assists. Nice line, Jesus Shuttlesworth.

Val Kilmer Award for Most Subdued Performance by a Known Lunatic – Where the hell was the Turiaf last nite? Like with Kilmer in Deja Vu, who I was waiting for to drunkenly reveal his appendix was turning back time, Turiaf’s intensity was never unleashed. He was a non-factor in the game and the Lakers are going to need something from him if they wish to win the series. In fact, the whole Lakers front-court was absolutely dominated on Thursday. KG and Perks worked the post at will. I’ve never seen KG’s post game look so dominant.

Leave a comment

Filed under Basketball, Boston Celtics, Denzel Washington, Eddie House, Glen Davis, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, NBA, Ronny Turiaf, Sam Cassell, Uncategorized, Val Kilmer

Crosby Exhaustion

Has Crosby’s waxed chest turned Canadians off of the NHL Finals? Possibly, but theres probably something else at work.

Anyways, to me, what is most interesting about the 2008 NHL Finals is the Canadian public’s response to the supposed “rebirth”. According to this Canadian Press article, 500,000 more Canadians preferred last year’s Game 2 to this years’. Strange.

While some may argue the Finals’ lack of a Canadian team are driving the public’s waning interest, this argument is completely retarded. Hockey is Canada’s fucking game. It is the only earthly activity that Canadians have consistently dominated. Other than Women’s Ear Pull.

Even more unexplainable is the fact so many Canadians have turned their backs on the supposed savior of the NHL, Mr. Crosby. His inclusion in this year’s finals is clearly driving the improved interest in the US. Plus, Crosby has been covered so extensively by the Canadian media that you’d think most people had developed a personal connection with the Kid. 

But maybe the never ending coverage of Mr. Crosby has taken its toll on the good people of Canada. The Canadian media have been covering his life so thoroughly for so long that people may have stopped caring. Considering the limited actions Crosby performs to justify such coverage (other than his on-ice performance), it would definetely be reasonable for Canadians to lose interest. The US numbers are higher simply because they have not been subjected to the torture that is Crosby coverage.

Leave a comment

Filed under NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby, Uncategorized

Hanley Ramirez makes me Feel Bad

I know I’ve been supportive of the Rios contract in the past, but recent developments have changed my perspective on shit. First there was the Chris B. Young contract, which had the D-Backs giving the young slugger 28 million over 5 years, but Young’s stats ain’t that great. He may become the only member of the 30-30 club to hit under .250. He is a truly confusing specimen. When Rios breaks into the club, there will be no way hes hitting under .250 (and I’m still confident Rios will eventually break in)

However, the news today gave me vertigo. The Florida Marlins have surprisingly signed Hanley Ramirez to a 6 year deal for 70 million. The same Hanley Ramirez who has outperformed Rios’ in EVERY statistical category (except RBIs. Damnit). In his two years in the MLB. And is two years younger. Wow, I feel awful.

Comparing Jays’ contracts is incredibly difficult. When I heard the news of the Rios signing, I was ecstatic. I instantly thought of the shitness that is Vernon Wells (126 million over 7) and Frank Thomas (20 million over 2 years) and thought to myself, JP congrats. You’ve seen the mistakes of the past and corrected appropiately. The only benchmarks I was using to compare were the awful contracts of old. And it made me feel happy.

But now, I have realized the folly of my ways. The Rios contract is nothing to be ecstatic about. Its decent but ain’t special. This Hanley deal has shown me the light. Dude has performed more consistently than the Rios and clearly (no proof for such a claim) has a higher ceiling.

While some may find the comparison troublesome, money is the great equalizer in baseball comparisons, especially when the two signings occurred within two months of each other.

On the bright side, I’m pretty sure the Vernon Wells and Alexis Rios’ contracts may increase the contracts of countless guys in the near future. Any agent could point to the absurdity of said contracts and reel in some more dough. Or GMs may counter with arguments concerning the idiocy of JP. We’ll see how things play out.


Leave a comment

Filed under Alexis Rios, Baseball, Hanley Ramirez, Major League Baseball, Toronto Blue Jays, Uncategorized

Marcum Transcendence and Rance Vindication

Zaun tries to top AJ’s quantity with quality

Last nite the Jays’ trounced the Rays’ (in the 8th anyways) and took advantage of Shawn Marcum’s awesomness. Marcum took a 1 hit shutout into the 9th before being pulled after 3 straight hits that led to two Rays’ runs. Scotty Downs finished the game off by striking out Jays’ bitch, Carlos Pena, who has struck out 7 times in two games.

Type of poster on Scotty Rolen’s wall

We could have been witness to some Beej!! fireworks had the Jays’ not blew the game up in the 8th. Scotty Roles hit a 2 run jack in the 8th and provided some stellar defense in the 9th, snagging two GBs. Rolen just may be the most blue collar baseball player ever to play the game. While I wasn’t sure what to think when Rolen called baseball “strictly a job” on the Sportnet’s preview show, I now understand his mindset. I’ve never seen anyone looked so disgusted while playing baseball. He must love playing with Roy Halladay. While I wouldn’t know what athletes watch after a hard days work at the stadium, I could see Rolen watching carpentry montages set to Bruce Springsteen or John Cougar Mellencamp. It goes without saying that he devours sixers’ like Wade Boggs.

Besides hating his job with a hatred reserved for your father (they all do), Rolen also vindicated the Rance last nite. After advising Vern to look for the fastball on a 2-0 count in the 1st, the fat bastard inexplicably looked the strike into the mit for a 2-1 count. This occured with 2 on and 2 out. While I usually hate dudes who hate walks, I’m going to say Vern should be looking to drive in runs, not get on base and allow the Lyle to tease us with pseudo-homers. Also, if fucking Rance is able to sniff out a pitch, I figure a dude making 120 mill should too. Anyways, pitches later Vern delivered his normal bit with an inning ending groundout. Later on in the 8th when the same situation was presented to Mr. Rolen, he took it over the wall in Left-Centre. You could hear the vindication in Rances’ voice while applauding Rolen’s ability to recognize.  

Leave a comment

Filed under B.J. Ryan, Baseball, Major League Baseball, Scott Rolen, Shawn Marcum, Toronto Blue Jays, Uncategorized, Vernon Wells

Marvin did what?

More shocking: Marvin Harrison torching the Pats’ or…….

Have you seen the latest, and possibly first, Marvin Harrison headline? 

Colts’ Harrison interviewed about Philly shooting


According to this AP report, the Indy recluse has been questioned by Philly police concerning his involvement in a shooting that occurred outside his sportsbar, Playmakers, on Tuesday night. The report claims that Harrison and the victim exchanged words inside Playmakers before Harrison followed the man out. Shortly after Harrison left the bar, gunfire was heard and one bullet punctured the man’s hand. Ballistics later showed the bullets came from a custom-made Belgian weapon that Harrison was believed to own. Harrison denied having taken the gun from his home but the weapon was later discovered in a bucket inside a Harrison-owned carwash. Furthering the absurdity is the revelation near the end of the report that claims Harrison was sued for attacking autograph-seeking children at the 2005 Pro Bowl. Why haven’t we heard of this? He PUT A KID IN A CHOKEHOLD. Field days in the near future for hecklers.

More idiotic: Marvin’s choice of weapon? or Marvin’s method of concealment?

Some thoughts. To get down to the most trivial, and possibly obvious, tidbits, I want to discuss Mr. Harrison’s choice of weaponry and concealment. Marv, did you really fell this man was worth a shot from your incredibly rare and traceable weapon? You sure that was the right decision? If your a man of the guns, which ownership of a custom-made Belgian firearm would suggest, why not remove your foe’s fingers with one of your more generic weapons? Just a thought. Also, starvin’, you figured A BUCKET IN YOUR OWN CARWASH was the best place to “hide” said firearm? Does the weapon mean THAT MUCH to you that you would risk jailtime to keep possession? You probably should have removed it from your land. Or any land.

Get used to this face cuz ol’ Marvin has a lot of atonement in his future

Now that Marv’s criminal survival techniques have been thoroughly criticized, I should probably address the real issues revolving around this unbelievable story. After reading the newsflash on the ESPN mainpage, I instantly began searching the web for info on Harrison because the preconceived notions I had about him certainly did not include gun enthusiasm or violent reactionism. And from what I found, my preconceived notions were pretty much dead-on. According to this Washington Post profile on the Indy receiver, which surprisingly does not mention the 2005 Pro Bowl incident, Harrison is hard-working, humble, and above all else, reclusive. He sits Barry Bonds-style in his locker by facing in; with his back turned to his teammates. He is reluctant to name friends and refuses to disclose hobbies or interests. He spends his offseasons hanging out with childhood friends in Philly. 

While Harrison has undoubtedly been one of the best players in the NFL the past decade (did you know he holds the NFL record for receptions with 143? 143!!!), it will be interesting to see how this incident will effect his portrayal in the media. Clearly shooting a dude will hurt your reputation but the behavorial descriptions within the Post piece are eerily similar to those of modern day villains Barry Bonds, tha Pacman (which I believe is officially his name), and to a lesser extent, Darren McFadden (concerning all the problems he has with his friends in Little Rock). Although Harrison is denying involvement, the fact his CUSTOM-MADE BELGIAN GUN removed someone’s fingers, Harrison will have to be accounting for a lot of things in the next couple months.


1 Comment

Filed under Indianapolis Colts, Marvin Harrison, Philadelphia, Uncategorized