Category Archives: Toronto Blue Jays

Newfie Oilman Pimps Jays in Time Magazine

While taking a break from not shitting today I was leafing through the latest Time Magazine and discovered a Newfie Oilman name-dropping the Jays’ HQ. Much love Newfoundland. Albeit the reference was dated (he referred to the Rogers Centre as the SkyDome) and completely irrelevant to anything the Jays do (this was displayed through the explanatory aside educating the masses that the Toronto Blue Jays play there). Supposedly the man was proud of his ability to dig, doing enough in one day to fill the Dome. Cool. Exposure…


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Filed under Baseball, Major League Baseball, Time Magazine, Toronto Blue Jays

Yankees abandon Golden Thongs for Porn Staches

It looks like the Yankees are officially out of money. Between wasting money on spiteful digs and underachieving players, the New York Yankees have abandoned traditional developmental methods and turned to slimier measures; Golden Thongs and Porn Staches. Both Jason Giambi and Johnny Damon appear to be rocking the filthy staches usually reserved for Yankees’ fans.

How hard must it be for A-Rod to restrain himself from jumping Giambi’s tail? I mean if the Giambino is walking round the clubhouse with a golden thong AND Ron Jeremy stache, A-Rod must be spending half of his paycheck on Vaseline. Over/Under on days before embarrassing clubhouse masturbation revealed: 3. This actually may be troublesome for the Jays’ chances the next three days. With all that pent-up sexual frustration, A-Rod may rake this series. He went 3-4 with a jack last nite, the same nite Giambi’s smuttiness peaked. Some one should do a study on A-Rod’s statistical swings and his homosexual urges.

Hey Yankees, I’ve got a much better, and infinetely less embarassing, way to create team unity: sign Scotty Rolen.

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Filed under AL East, Baseball, Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Major League Baseball, New York Yankees, Scott Rolen, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays

A Tale of Two Catchers


The Jays have turned things around since May 9th, the day many thought would be the end of their playoff chances. But behind the MLB’s best pitching staff (leads the league in ERA), the Jays have crawled back to within 3 Games of the AL East leading Rays and currently stand at 31-26. This marks the first time the Jays have been 5 games over .500 since 1997*. So whats driving the resurgence of the Blue Birds besides the consistently sublime pitching? I say the Catcher Quandry. Though I hadn’t even considered the catching platoon to be an issue, after looking at some numbers, it appears as if Gregg Zaun enjoys spearheading Losses. In Games the recently calmed Zaunn has appeared in (significant playing time, no pinch hitting, sub bullshit), the Jays have gone 16-21. He was also involved in an anemic April stretch that saw the Jays lose 11 of 12 in  which he played. The other side of the coin reveals the brilliance of Ontario’s finest, Mr. Rod Barajas. In games the Barajas plays in, the Jays have gone 17-10. The post-Mitchell era has been cruel to Mr. Zaun.

Otherness, to Mr. McGowan for extending the Cycle of Litsch streak to an unprecedented four games. When will people see the invigorating properties of Litsch?

Shannon Stewart has a 224 point difference between his batting average in Jays’ wins compared with his batting average in Jays’ losses. Catalyst? Just maybe. All this despite being endowed with the names Harold and Shannon. Amazing.

Though he’s my favorite Jay, arguments concerning his prominence in the lineup are continuing to look bleaker everyday. The Rios is hitting 18 points better in Jays losses. The Jays have won despite him this year. However,  I do take comfort in the company he keeps atop the GIDP leaderboard. Some future HOFs right there.

Matty Stairs has some seriously fucked splits. He is currently hitting .071 against LHP and .300 v RHP. The Canadian boy has also proved my longtime suspicion that he hates Canada by hitting .206 at the Rogers Centre and .333 on the Road.

Props to Baseball Reference for refusing to abandon the Skydome. Strange how the insanely updated site still refers to buildings by their 20th century names. Seriously Awesome.

Among MLB pitchers with more than 60 IP, Jesse Litsch is 17th in Run Support. Dustin McGowan, not so lucky (though that will change after the explosion last nite) He is currently 85th of 86 pitchers with 2.78 Runs/Start.

The Jays are currently rocking two pitchers in the WHIP Top 3!! Marcum is #1 with the Doc coming in at #3.

Marcum is also leading the league by quite some margin in Opponent’s batting average. He has made the AL his collective bitch, allowing them to hit only .160 thus far. Or, for awesomeness context, 20 points less than the next best pitcher!!

Litsch has the fewest BBs among pitchers with 60 IP with 9. Doc has the 3rd fewest with 11.

Though these figures will probably never be topped in the history of man, one number suggests they could be even better. According to the Jays ERC percentage, the pitching staff has been UNLUCKY so far this season. If the figure is less than 100, than it is assumed they have been unlucky. The Jays number: 94!!! Look for a 1-2-3-4-5 showing in the Cy Young voting come October. For a more detailed explanation check this out:

*No actual evidence to support




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Filed under AL East, Alexis Rios, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, Jesse Litsch, Major League Baseball, Toronto Blue Jays

Fear for the Mo’

This afternoon, the Jays usurped the Royals (yesssss) 7-2 to finish off the sweep. Marcum continued his brilliant 2008, giving up 1 earned and maintaining his petty 0.87 WHIP. This guy hasn’t given up more than 6 hits all year. From what I understand about sabermetrics, that is money. The unlikely duo of Scoots and Zaun launched a few jacks into the Roger Centre seats, with the Scoots adding a stolen base as well. Rios too displayed the hybrid game, hitting a 2Bagger and stealing 2nd. It looks like Rios’ power game has not left him and if today’s performance is any indicator of future progress, expect him to be in the 30-30 club by August. Real talk (ye ye Real World assholes). I’d almost prefer to see Scutaro hitting jacks than Rios since I can talk myself into buying Rios’ “continued development” when he may have peaked last year. Whatever. Keep working those gaps Alexis.

Though we have swept the Mizzou shit, the upcoming schedule is eerily similar to another era of unbridled optimism. Remember when the Jays swept the Sox in their second series of the year? I was dreaming October back then until Beane’s boys came to Toronto and embarassed us behind some expendable Diamondbacks’ prospects. Shit, that sucked. Anyways beware of the similarities and hinder the expectations surrounding the upcoming road trip. After the trip, the Jays will have played 19 of 25 on the road. What the shit?

Otherness, brought to you by the Professor of Letter Recognition, Mr. Jamie Campbell. Did anyone witness the fiery bastard proudly inform the Rogers faithful that the Royals roster contained 5 players with surnames beginning with G? Is that Jamie’s “filler”? How many dyslexic research assistants did it take to present that as “air-worthy”?

Yesterday the Rogers’ crew cherrypicked my Lyle research. Dicks.

Sunday’s victory saw McGowan limit his walk total to zero for only the 2nd time in 11 starts. Very encouraging considering he walked 9 batters in his previous 11.1 innings.

The Jays allowed 3 ERs this series. No lime needed.

Rios strike from CF on Sunday was fucking beautiful. Though, Jose Guillen deserves some credit for being a fucking shit baserunner. 

It was either Saturday or Sunday that a Jay was thrown out at home for the first time this season. Peavy’s sublime streak finally ended.

McGowans’s breaking ball (I’m not entirely sure what pitch it is) is absolutely unhittable against left handed batters.

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Filed under Alexis Rios, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, Major League Baseball, Oakland Athletics, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays

A Royal O’Doyling

Wow, that is some poetic schlock right there. This afternoon the Jays commemorated their return to the airwaves by mangling KC 6-0. Jesse Litsch was brilliant, throwing a complete game shutout and extending his IP w/o a walk streak to 32? innings, a record-breaking feat (props to Pat Tabler for sharing such info, though he obviously deserves none) B-Wilks became the 2ndJay in as many weeks (!!) to hit a first inning grandslam. Crazy stat; when the Jays hit a first inning grandslam, they are currently 2-0. GrandSlams = Victories. Tomorrow, McGowan takes the mound. Hopefully the power of the Cycle of Litsch will propel the struggling prodigy to a W.

Otherness, brought to you by the Jays’ announcing team, who lended some populist legitimacy to the Cycle of Litsch, pointing out Litsch’s last W kick started the Jays’ current run. While this would be apparent to anyone dedicated enough to check a schedule, when delivered by the grisled Pat Tabler, the Cycle is infused with a lil’ ol’ time respactibility.

Lyle Overbay, the one of the Limp Bizkit fandom, has quite the streak going. Lyle has now reached base in 11 straight ABs. 11 straight!! The new hotness (yes…) has seen his OBP launch to a special .402, tops for the Jays.

Jesse “O’Doyle” Litsch completed his game in an economical 103, or one less pitch than the Doc did last nite. He also became the Jays’ leader in wins with 6, or one more than the Doc. Am I the only one who feels the rotation began today?

The Jays are now over .500, currently sitting pretty with a 26-25 record. The last time the Jays were over .500 was April 20, when they were 10-9. Yeee…

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new era. Either the Jays’ fall off the wagon, blow the sweep, andgo back to .500 or they embark on an epic trip to the top of the AL East behind the new leaders (IMO), Lyle Overbay and Scotty Roles. I’m excited. Hopefully the douchebags over at Rogers will spare us the pre-game Memorial Cup coverage and recognize the importance. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow’s starters are McGowan and the bizarro Jay, Gil Meche.

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Filed under AL East, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, Jesse Litsch, Kansas City Royals, Major League Baseball, Roy Halladay, Scott Rolen, Toronto Blue Jays

Darts eh?

Fistpump. Beej!!, Doc, and Marcum all contributed tonite, which could be the last time we see that until Playoffs. Ya Playoffs.

The Sportsnet keeps fucking me over with infuriating consistency. Whenver I’m pumped to watch some Jays’ ball, some imcompetent Sportsnet producer feels the need to deny me what I need. Today, a few rain delays caused the lazy, wasteful assholes running the shittiest Sports network in Canada to abandon any further broadcasting. In the place of the Jays: Darts! While darts can be entertaining in the right situation (weekday afternoons or drunken boredom, or a combo) due to the brilliant announcers (One Hundred and Eigggghttty!! Words don’t do it justice. The cigarette laced growls are symphonic), Sunday afternoons were invented for some ball. What made this shit even worse was the fact Sportsnet could have shown us some Jays’ action but were too fuckin lazy to broadcast it nationwide. Instead they instructed us to tune into Sportsnet East and for some fucked reason I only get Ontario, Pacific, and West. Brutal.

At least the Jays took the series though and continued their streak of clutchness by knocking in all of their runs in two outs situations. The Lyle entered the game to little expectations and defied everyone who lost faith by hitting a three run jack in the 5th. Nice. The others were knocked in by Shannon and Rod, the discarded vets of old, who could probably be mistaken for a nice suburban pair to the uneducated.

Otherness Dedicated to the shitty Philly weather, whose brutal timing forced Gibbs to waste the arms of our two aces, Marcum and Doc. I have no idea what this will mean for the future rotation. Whose going on Tuesday now? Please do not subject us to more Purcey. Give Brett Cecil a shot. Or Ricky Romero. Or the mysterious Cuban guy.

Beej!! once again made the 9th interesting for casual fans and horrifying for diehard Jays’ supporters by allowing a solo jack to Pat Burrell.  One spotless 9th Beej!! or I will so stop referring to you with exclamation points. Aaah, thatll never happen. No one can talk about the Beej!! without yelling.

For the second time this week (or more, I’m too lazy to research this assertion) the Jays were outhit but still managed to win due to their collective clutchness. The Phillies outhit the Jays 13-6. How awesome is that? I like being able to question the manhood of other teams. Its pretty foreign. Even sweeter was the fact that greasy fuck Werth was one of the castrated by Jays’ pitching.



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Filed under B.J. Ryan, Baseball, Major League Baseball, Rod Barajas, Roy Halladay, Shannon Stewart, Shawn Marcum, Toronto Blue Jays

Scheduling Mayhem

Today I’m a little pissed about the scheduling practices of both the NBA and Sportsnet. Last nite I was robbed, for the second straight day, of some Jays’ baseball because of somebody’s (I have no idea who) fondness for the Memorial Cup. The fucking Memorial Cup! The most goddamn regionally appealing oversight of all time. I know the 4 teams are supposed to “represent” the regions their based in but who are we kidding, no one gives a fuck about Junior hockey unless they live in the team’s homebase. It’s a glorified high school hockey tournament. And the four teams justifying the Jays’ removal from the airwaves: the Belleville Bulls (population of 49000), the Gatineau Olympiques (242000, allrite, legit) the Kitchener Rangers (204000) and wait for it, the fucking Spokane Chiefs (I won’t even give the population since this particular “Canadian” franchise is located in Washington)

What genius dreamed up the fallacy of demand for Junior Hockey in Washington State. I hope they realize that even Gary Fucking Bettman wasn’t retarded enough to expand into that market. The Pacific Northwest has ZERO NHL franchises. Seriously.

The NHL Franchises. I guess the WHL commish hasn’t seen it.

Anyways I’m getting off topic. In short, Fuck the Memorial Cup Sportsnet. If you must broadcast that shit, do so in the Canadian Shield. Ontario doesn’t give a fuck.

Though not as personally insulting, the NBA’s scheduling practices are certainly fucked. Though the NO-SA Game 6 was on Thursday nite, they won’t be playing until Monday. Making this all the more bizarre is the fact BOS-CLE played last nite and will play on Sunday. What the shit? Three days rest for the Southern ballers but the Seaboard’s finest (and the Midwestern Jesus Shuttlesworth. Bad reference) only get one. How is that possibly fair Stern? What the hell are you trying to manufacture here?

THEOREM TIME! WOO! After doing some half-assed research I have found that…there is little correlation between certain time off and Stern’s desired result, which I assume would be New Orleans and Boston victories since no one’s excited about the possiblity of a repeat SA-CLE series. Besides no theory of mine could counter the homecourt advantage revolution of this year’s playoffs. Anyways, here’s some numbers I futilely looked up.


-100.6 Points/Game Total  –  100.2 Points/Game with 1 days rest
-47.5 FG% Total  –  47.5 FG% with 1 days rest
-22.4 Assists/Game Total  –  22.7 Assists/Game with 1 days rest
-14.4 TOs/Game  –  14.3 TOs/Game with 1 days rest

-96.4 Points/Game Total  –  95.0 Points/Game with 1 days rest
-43.9 FG% Total  –  43.1% FG% with 1 days rest
-20 Assists/Game Total  –  20.4 Assists/Game with 1 days rest
-13.2 TOs/Game Total  –  12.5 TOs/Game with 1 days rest               


-92.3 Points/Game with 3 days rest  –  95.4 Points/Game Total
-21.5 Assists/Game with 3 days rest  –  21.0 Assists/Game Total
-45.5 FG% with 3 days rest  –  45.7 FG % Total
-13.3 TOs/Game with 3 days rest  –  12.0 TOs/Game Total

-96.0 Points/Game with 3 days rest  –  100.9 Points/Game Total
-19.1 Assists/Game with 3 days rest  –  21.8 Assists/Game Total
-46.2 FG% with 3 days rest  –  46.6 FG% Total                                    
-13.4 TOs/Game with 3 days rest  –  11.3 TOs/Game Total                                           




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Filed under Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Major League Baseball, Memorial Cup, New Orleans Hornets, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Blue Jays