Category Archives: Sports

Yankees abandon Golden Thongs for Porn Staches

It looks like the Yankees are officially out of money. Between wasting money on spiteful digs and underachieving players, the New York Yankees have abandoned traditional developmental methods and turned to slimier measures; Golden Thongs and Porn Staches. Both Jason Giambi and Johnny Damon appear to be rocking the filthy staches usually reserved for Yankees’ fans.

How hard must it be for A-Rod to restrain himself from jumping Giambi’s tail? I mean if the Giambino is walking round the clubhouse with a golden thong AND Ron Jeremy stache, A-Rod must be spending half of his paycheck on Vaseline. Over/Under on days before embarrassing clubhouse masturbation revealed: 3. This actually may be troublesome for the Jays’ chances the next three days. With all that pent-up sexual frustration, A-Rod may rake this series. He went 3-4 with a jack last nite, the same nite Giambi’s smuttiness peaked. Some one should do a study on A-Rod’s statistical swings and his homosexual urges.

Hey Yankees, I’ve got a much better, and infinetely less embarassing, way to create team unity: sign Scotty Rolen.

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Filed under AL East, Baseball, Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Major League Baseball, New York Yankees, Scott Rolen, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays

Fear for the Mo’

This afternoon, the Jays usurped the Royals (yesssss) 7-2 to finish off the sweep. Marcum continued his brilliant 2008, giving up 1 earned and maintaining his petty 0.87 WHIP. This guy hasn’t given up more than 6 hits all year. From what I understand about sabermetrics, that is money. The unlikely duo of Scoots and Zaun launched a few jacks into the Roger Centre seats, with the Scoots adding a stolen base as well. Rios too displayed the hybrid game, hitting a 2Bagger and stealing 2nd. It looks like Rios’ power game has not left him and if today’s performance is any indicator of future progress, expect him to be in the 30-30 club by August. Real talk (ye ye Real World assholes). I’d almost prefer to see Scutaro hitting jacks than Rios since I can talk myself into buying Rios’ “continued development” when he may have peaked last year. Whatever. Keep working those gaps Alexis.

Though we have swept the Mizzou shit, the upcoming schedule is eerily similar to another era of unbridled optimism. Remember when the Jays swept the Sox in their second series of the year? I was dreaming October back then until Beane’s boys came to Toronto and embarassed us behind some expendable Diamondbacks’ prospects. Shit, that sucked. Anyways beware of the similarities and hinder the expectations surrounding the upcoming road trip. After the trip, the Jays will have played 19 of 25 on the road. What the shit?

Otherness, brought to you by the Professor of Letter Recognition, Mr. Jamie Campbell. Did anyone witness the fiery bastard proudly inform the Rogers faithful that the Royals roster contained 5 players with surnames beginning with G? Is that Jamie’s “filler”? How many dyslexic research assistants did it take to present that as “air-worthy”?

Yesterday the Rogers’ crew cherrypicked my Lyle research. Dicks.

Sunday’s victory saw McGowan limit his walk total to zero for only the 2nd time in 11 starts. Very encouraging considering he walked 9 batters in his previous 11.1 innings.

The Jays allowed 3 ERs this series. No lime needed.

Rios strike from CF on Sunday was fucking beautiful. Though, Jose Guillen deserves some credit for being a fucking shit baserunner. 

It was either Saturday or Sunday that a Jay was thrown out at home for the first time this season. Peavy’s sublime streak finally ended.

McGowans’s breaking ball (I’m not entirely sure what pitch it is) is absolutely unhittable against left handed batters.

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Filed under Alexis Rios, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, Major League Baseball, Oakland Athletics, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays


Tom Poti admires the result he is destined for the rest of his life. Suck it HULL.

Fuck you POTI!! Did you spend your “playoff experience” fucking your mother? Even deranged Downie kept his shit in his pants. You spilt it like Osi.

Yo Bettman, you know how Stern froze the lope for Ewing? This was one of those times you fucking ass. Who made this goddamn hire? Was Isiah number 2? FUCK.

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Filed under Hockey, NHL, Sports, Tom Poti, Uncategorized, Washington Capitals

Why do they Play?


Douchebag Deluxe flashes a smile of complacency during his last days on a great team.

Yesterday, the Toronto Blue Jays released the snivelling shithat, Frank “Dennis” Thomas (thank you Mockingbird). According to the AP, the struggling Thomas rejected a Blue Jays offer that would cut his playing time to two or three games a week and instead agreed to be released. The cut came one day after bullys JP and Gibby stole Thomas’ ABs, which promptly led to a much needed W. Instead of joining his teammates’ celebration, the next Herschel Walker slouched to the locker room. WOW.

In between his internet support group (Tuesdays and Thursdays) Herm offers timeless quotes

Honestly, what the hell is this guy thinking? You’ve never contributed to a Championship club (he wasn’t on the playoff roster when the Sox won in 2005) yet you decide to shit on the best chance available. Really Big Frank? Are numbers that important to you? Herm take it from here; “You PLAY! TO! WIN! THE! GAME!!” Seriously what sane contender will even sniff you BIG FRANK? You’re the new Bonds. You think you’re latching on to a contender? The best team that needs a DH are the RAYS (please sign there. it would allow you to play Manny Delcarmen a lot). Have fun.

Good fucking riddance. Big Frank’s above-average numbers are hardly worth the eventual damage he would have inflicted upon the clubhouse psyche. Goodbye legacy. Its a shame the one man of the steroid era who legitmately earned his numbers turned out to be a colossal douche. I hope you find happiness batting cleanup for some shit club. I look forward to the day the Jays wipe their ass with such club.

Shawn Marion prefers a trio involving this man

Whats the fucking deal with athletes these days? First Shawn Marion bitches and moans on a consistent contender before appearing genuinely delighted to be traded to the shittiest team in the Association. Despite how horrible it must have been playing with the greatest PG of our generation, at least people talked about you back then Shawn. I haven’t heard one fucking thing about your neanderthal form since the trade. Fucking incomprehensible.

Now onto the Jays’ retahded plans for the DH; a platoon of Matt Stairs and Rod Barajas. According to the AP, in order to have a backup catcher for the days Barajas DHs’, they will call up Robinson DIaz, and if I’m reading this correctly, carry three catchers. Huh, three catchers eh. Has this ever been done? Should we call in Guinness to observe the new record for strategic incompetency? GET ADAM LIND UP…FUCKING NOW!! Instead of attempting to revolutionize the game with the brilliant 3-catcher strategy, the Jays should probably rotate Lind/Stewart/Stairs through the DH/LF positions. I would enjoy that trio a lot more.

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Filed under Baseball, Basketball, Frank Thomas, Major League Baseball, Shawn Marion, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays

Countin Down

The playoffs are upon us. Anything can happen and hopefully will. I am actually impressed with the Raps-Magic schedule. Its pretty decent. Only 1 day’s rest in between each of the first four games, which is rare for an NBA playoff series. The NBA just wants to end it.

Regardless of how attractive TPTB find the Raps-Magic series, I can’t stop thinking about it. The more numbers I look at the more confident I get. It don’t care if few of them support the Raps’ cause. I interpret. Anyways the one fence-sitting figure that has me the most puzzled concerns the Magic’s 3-PT numbers. Not only are they number 1 in 3-PT Attempts, they are also number 1 in 3-PT shooting %. How absurd is that? These figures support my suggestion that the Raps’ refrain from doubling Howard. He creates that many open shots man. Raps otherrans, let Rasho or Bosh or whoever do what they can with Howard. Do not leave your man. Turk and Lewis are lethal.

3-PT shooting has also been key to the Raps’ demise. Pre All-Star break they were shooting 42.1%, tops in the show. This led to a 28-23 record. Post All-Star they only shot 34.2% which corresponded with a 13-18 clip. Whoevers hitting the threes is moving on.

Also enticing (to predict a Raps’ sweep) is the success of the current 1st and 2nd units. According to the ever so helpful the TJ starting lineup may not be as awful as advertised. The combination of TJ-Parker-Moon-Bosh-Rasho has a winning percentage of 82.3% (with a win being the outscoring of the opposing 5). Pretty sweet. Not one Orlando 5 reached that mark and their favorite starting 5, with Nelson at the point, only won 52.3% of the time. The Raps’ current 2nd unit was pretty successful as well with the combo of Jose-Delfino-Kapono-Bargnani-Rasho winning 76.4% of their matchups. Although that lineup only played 47 minutes, and I am blatantly cherrypicking stats to boost my confidence, these figures all point to the inevitable; Raps in 6. 

And to prove that my smallball strategy is not purely the incoherent babbling of a pessimistic truther, a lineup similar to my proposal (Calderon-Delfino-Parker-Kapono-Bosh) won 76.9% of the time during their glorious 36 minutes together. Yeeee smallball. To shamelessly pick your own stats to bolster your prediction, heres the link:

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Filed under Basketball, Chris Bosh, Dwight Howard, NBA, Orlando Magic, Sports, Toronto Raptors

End this Marcum

what the hell jays? once again you allow a shit pitcher to dazzle you with mediocrity. christ. at least i am 100% confident that the next time we see that albers character, we will pummel him. once the jays are exposed to mundane stuff, they punish second time around. just look at the texas pitchers (i assume they’ve seen them before).

in other news, after finding the Jays game to be inexplicably absent from the big two for the third time in 4 games, I stumbled upon channel 399. thank you channel 399. you allowed me to watch the Jays drown in the kiddy pool of Elmer’s repetoire but you also allowed me to become reacquainted with Buck Martinez. How was that man ever allowed to manage a MLB team? midway through the broadcast he launched an attack on walks. it was phenomenal commentary. Supposedly Buck prefers outs to walks when it comes to his 3-4-5 men. this hilarious belief came into dispute innings later when he celebrated the two-run HR of one Kevin Millar. i’d prefer archaic color guys to the douchebaggery of Jamie Campbell who was made to look traiterous by the Orioles play-by-play man. on a number of occasions last nite the guy went on tirades against the Yanks. good stuff. show some loyalty campbell. i would forgive your whiny garbage if you consistently berated the AL East powers.

also the Orioles coaches were revealed to be shit last nite by the Jays’ consistency in catching Adam Jones, who is horrifyingly disgusting, though they fucked throws up. It was also revealed that the Orioles staff doesn’t rely on pitch counts. Interesting. I guess it would never get to that point anyways as the Os’ announcer was impressed by the starter’s ability to reach the 6th inning. He called it deep.

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Filed under Adam Jones, AL East, Baltimore Orioles, Baseball, Buck Martinez, Major League Baseball, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays, Uncategorized

The BEEJ!! and the Absurdity of Hamilton Worship


Last nite the Beej emerged from his Tommy John vacah and shut down three straight hitters after surrendering a triple to Marlon Byrdd. What does that say about the man’s moxie? Hasn’t played a meaningful inning in a year, comes in, gives up a triple, and has the steel to get out unscathed. I was fucking pumped and you could tell the Jays’ were too. Did ya see the Doc mugging him in the line? Shit, I aint never seen no Doc emotion. Fantastic.


On a different note, I’m pretty fucking tired of hearing about Josh Hamilton’s redemption. The guy was addicted to crack for like 6 years, he’s no fucking hero. While the game was on Sportsnet there was an interesting show on TSN documenting ESPN Magazine’s top stories and they had one about Hamilton. It was fucking disgusting. They blamed his rabid CRACK ADDICTION on the fact lil Josh had never lived alone before. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?!? I had no idea a majority of people developed crack addictions upon leaving the nest. Oh wait, they fucking don’t. What a bunch a shit. If Hamilton was black they would have ruthlessly villifyed him as a lazy waste of talent. Instead, the Magazine feels Josh’s case of the smacks was due to his lack of home cooked meals. Unbelievable. Last time I checked Daryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden weren’t hoisted up as beacons of redemption. Also, Josh if your looking to meet new people, the tattoo parlors probably not the best choice, alright buddy. OK.

Also, I’m getting pretty tired with the Jays giving up mad triples this year. So far this season they’ve given up 6, 3 of which came in the 9th or later, with the League Leader in triples having 5. Its not like these hits are going the other way and getting lost in the corner or shit, they’re going to left-centre where our goddamn Gold Glover is. What the fuck man? Even Josh Hamilton is better positionally.

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Filed under Baseball, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays