Category Archives: Scott Rolen

Yankees abandon Golden Thongs for Porn Staches

It looks like the Yankees are officially out of money. Between wasting money on spiteful digs and underachieving players, the New York Yankees have abandoned traditional developmental methods and turned to slimier measures; Golden Thongs and Porn Staches. Both Jason Giambi and Johnny Damon appear to be rocking the filthy staches usually reserved for Yankees’ fans.

How hard must it be for A-Rod to restrain himself from jumping Giambi’s tail? I mean if the Giambino is walking round the clubhouse with a golden thong AND Ron Jeremy stache, A-Rod must be spending half of his paycheck on Vaseline. Over/Under on days before embarrassing clubhouse masturbation revealed: 3. This actually may be troublesome for the Jays’ chances the next three days. With all that pent-up sexual frustration, A-Rod may rake this series. He went 3-4 with a jack last nite, the same nite Giambi’s smuttiness peaked. Some one should do a study on A-Rod’s statistical swings and his homosexual urges.

Hey Yankees, I’ve got a much better, and infinetely less embarassing, way to create team unity: sign Scotty Rolen.

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Filed under AL East, Baseball, Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Major League Baseball, New York Yankees, Scott Rolen, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays

A Royal O’Doyling

Wow, that is some poetic schlock right there. This afternoon the Jays commemorated their return to the airwaves by mangling KC 6-0. Jesse Litsch was brilliant, throwing a complete game shutout and extending his IP w/o a walk streak to 32? innings, a record-breaking feat (props to Pat Tabler for sharing such info, though he obviously deserves none) B-Wilks became the 2ndJay in as many weeks (!!) to hit a first inning grandslam. Crazy stat; when the Jays hit a first inning grandslam, they are currently 2-0. GrandSlams = Victories. Tomorrow, McGowan takes the mound. Hopefully the power of the Cycle of Litsch will propel the struggling prodigy to a W.

Otherness, brought to you by the Jays’ announcing team, who lended some populist legitimacy to the Cycle of Litsch, pointing out Litsch’s last W kick started the Jays’ current run. While this would be apparent to anyone dedicated enough to check a schedule, when delivered by the grisled Pat Tabler, the Cycle is infused with a lil’ ol’ time respactibility.

Lyle Overbay, the one of the Limp Bizkit fandom, has quite the streak going. Lyle has now reached base in 11 straight ABs. 11 straight!! The new hotness (yes…) has seen his OBP launch to a special .402, tops for the Jays.

Jesse “O’Doyle” Litsch completed his game in an economical 103, or one less pitch than the Doc did last nite. He also became the Jays’ leader in wins with 6, or one more than the Doc. Am I the only one who feels the rotation began today?

The Jays are now over .500, currently sitting pretty with a 26-25 record. The last time the Jays were over .500 was April 20, when they were 10-9. Yeee…

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new era. Either the Jays’ fall off the wagon, blow the sweep, andgo back to .500 or they embark on an epic trip to the top of the AL East behind the new leaders (IMO), Lyle Overbay and Scotty Roles. I’m excited. Hopefully the douchebags over at Rogers will spare us the pre-game Memorial Cup coverage and recognize the importance. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow’s starters are McGowan and the bizarro Jay, Gil Meche.

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Filed under AL East, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, Jesse Litsch, Kansas City Royals, Major League Baseball, Roy Halladay, Scott Rolen, Toronto Blue Jays

Afternoons in Minneapolis

So I come home from work excited for some beers, some chow, and the potential for a Jays’ sweep. While all three of these things have or will happen, I was hoping to combine them in a melding of lazy ectstasy. Instead, I will have to eat and drink while watching fucking hockey. Apparently, the Twins’ braintrust (yes I realize no one from Minnesota had any hand in this debacle but I dislike Minnesotans. They’re the American equivalent of Tobans’. I think) feels the need to schedule games in the afternoon. In a dome for fucks sake. I thought the whole point of afternoon ball was to enjoy the daytime sunlight. This is obviously impossible in the shithole that is the HHH. Its not like the two teams have far to travel for tomorrow’s games either. The Jays’ are going to Philly and the Twins’ to Colarado. Fucking schedule. Now I have to relive the game through MLB Gameday.

Anyways, despite not playing a part in the sweep-clinching W (I feel my attention produces wins), I am stoked (bro) the Jays’ pulled it off. In extra innings no less. And Rios actually contributed. Although he only had one hit, it produced one of the runs in the 3-2 11 inning victory. The Jays’ once again rode a early inning burst to the W with a 2 run 3rd.

Otherness, Gibbons almost fucked up pitching assignments once again as he only had one reliever left in the pen when the game ended. I guess you could argue that Shawn Camp could have remained in the game had the Jays not scored the run in the 11th, but thats not encouraging either. Whatever we got the W and thats all that counts.

Apparently (I say this because I have no first hand knowledge of such an occurence. Besides numerical evidence) Dustin McGowan was wild tonite this afternoon. I thought Gibby may have performed another premature pull until I saw his pitch count. 104 in 5 innings? Shit. I’m a little concerned with Chairman Gow’s last two outings.

Jesse Crain once again shit the bed by allowing the game clinching run for the second straight game. Right on Jesse.

Scotty Roles ended his streak of Masterful plate discipline by swinging on the first pitch in 3 of his ABs and only seeing a total of 11 throughout his 5 plate appearances. Whatever, I ain’t mad at cha. Guy scored the game winning run for the second straight game.

The Beej!! locked down the save to pull out of a inexplicable tie with Scotty Downs. The universe has been remedied.

Tomorrow sees the Jays travel to Philly to face Jamie Moyer. Epitome of the Senior Circuit right there. We’ll also by seeing David Purcey. Hopefully Moyer’s lack of velocity will counter Purcey’s lack of control.

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Filed under Alexis Rios, B.J. Ryan, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, John Gibbons, Major League Baseball, Scott Rolen, Toronto Blue Jays

Canuck Showdown in the Twin Cities!!!

Big Matt celebrates his 1st Inning Grand Slam. Morneau was unable to replicate his success and therefore was ignored by Jay Onrait

Last nite saw the Jays defeat the Twins 6-5 behind a 1st inning Grand Slam from Matty Stairs. The Birthday Boy (Halladay for you inconsiderates) pitched poorly for the Doc (6.2 IP, 9 Hits, 4 ER, and 8 Ks) but still earned the W due to some decent relieving.

It was a motherfucking holdfest up in the HHH. For the second straight game at least 3 Jays’ relievers earned the magical H. And for the second straight game the only reliever who failed to earn the H was Jesse Carlson, whos apparently useless against Justin Morneau. The Canadian rocked him for a triple in Game 1 and a Jack in Game 2. After both ABs, Jesse was pulled.

Morneau once again fed off his fellow Canuck’s success by matching Matty’s Grand Slam with a Jack off his own personal Manny DelCarmen, Jesse Carlson. Or is it the other way around? Regardless I wish there were more Canucks in the league. We would be looking at years of potential MVPs considering the performance enhancement involved with clashing Canadians. I don’t know what this means. I guess theres only so much Sportscentre time dedicated to baseball highlights so the Canadians feel the need to outperform their countryman to secure airtime. Fucking hockey.

Otherness, today dedicated to Gregg Zaun and his phenomenal 1B coverage. In the hyperbolic tone of Joe Buck calling that Derek Jeter play, “A CATCHER HAS NO BUSINESS BEING IN THAT POSITION!!” If Zaun wasn’t a mediocre catcher who was busted for steroid abuse, he would be getting national attention (I’m talking American attention. There was an NHL playoff game last nite). At least Jamie Campbell was impressed.

The victim of Zaun’s genius was Toronto’s new whipping boy, Delmon Young, who idiotically rounded 1st and got gunned down by Wilks. Hes looked absolutely foolish this series. 5 tools my ass. Last nite Kevin Mench tagged up ON A LINE DRIVE TO LEFT FIELD!!! ON A SUPPOSED STUD!! KEVIN MENCH!!

The Jays’ were outhit 11-6 and still won. Pretty cool.

Gomez continued his amazing display in CF by making an unbelievable cutoff on a Scott Rolen 8th inning double. IMO, it rivalled any legitimate OF catch I’ve seen this season. Incredible talent.

Scotty Roles once again displayed magical plate discipline by taking 29 pitches in his 4 ABs. Add this to the 33 he took the night before and he has seen 62 pitches this series. In 9 ABs. Almost 7 pitches/AB. Fucking awesome.

Despite showing some sweet discipline at the dish, Rolen may have been involved in the worst steal attempt in baseball history. Luckily he was saved by the incompetent Jesse Crain, whose errant throw allowed Rolen to score the eventual game winning run. Apparently, Canadian Inspiration does not apply to Mr. Crain.

Scotty Downs got his 5th save of the season or the equivalent of the Beej!! total. Weird. And even weirder was the efficiency he displayed locking down the W. Even Beej!! hasn’t got a spotless save.


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Filed under B.J. Ryan, Baseball, canada, Carlos Gomez, Delmon Young, Jesse Carlson, Justin Morneau, Major League Baseball, Matty Stairs, Roy Halladay, Scott Rolen, Scotty Downs, Toronto Blue Jays

The Cycle of Litsch

O’Doyle Rules!!

Last nite the Jays’ took down the Twins’ 5-3 in Minneapolis’ HHH. The effort was surprisingly well-rounded as 7 Jays’ had hits and 5 players had RBIs. Impressive yet they still faltered in familiar situations as the first inning saw two Jays’ (Rolen!!?? and Rios) fail to knock in Aaron Hill, who was chilling on third while Peavy had a vicious inner conflict as to whether he should call some Home-Stealing. He did not and Hill was stranded. The Jays’ also allowed two opputunities to pass by later in the game when they failed in situations with men on 2nd and 3rd and later with the bases full (which saw Rolen!!?? failing again though he more than made up for it with some amazing defense, especially on the final out. Him and Beej!! enjoyed a keg in celebration) Overall awesome to finally see some vivacious bats help out a pitcher in need.

Though run support helps, nothing is better for a pitcher’s confidence than following Jesse Litsch in the rotation. While that seems mildly insulting, consider this; Jesse Litsch is a catalyst. Well, at least 80% of the time. 4 out of 5 times. Damnit, I am so grasping. Anyways, in the game following a Jesse Litsch decision, the same result has occurred 4 out of 5 times. So math time. Because of the Litsch math, there is an 80% chance that the Jays’ will win tonite. Add the fact that the Doc is playing on his goddamn birthday no less, and I say there is a 150% chance the Jays’ will emerge victorious this evening. Ye gorilla math. Ye Worm. Ye Rounders.

Otherness, in honor of the subpar Dennys Reyes, who besides being pro-Jay, supplements his income with a healthy career as a Latin character actor.

ArrrrMan-DOOO made his Jays’ debut by allowing a FIRST-PITCH JACK!! And oddly enough, I wasn’t even mad. I was having too good a time pronouncing his name. Doing so in the presumed voice of Dennys Reyes worked best. It also looks like Mr. Benitez has lost significant weight. Compared to pictures of Fat ArrrrMan-Dooo anyways.

Also strange was Gibbons handling of pitchers who gave up extra base hits on their first pitch. Jesse Carlson – pulled immediately. ArrrrMan-DOOO – allowed to face two more batters. Whats up Gibbs? Have some faith.

Our, or at least my, worst fears were realized when Jamie Campbell all but established collective farms in Minnesota. Alright he did nothing of the sort but did display his love of free baseball, which will be available when the new Twins’ stadium opens in 2010. Free Baseball? Its a goddamn oxymoron. Ok maybe not, but its at least unAmerican.

After finding Litsch’s record to be unreasonable considering his ERA (4.24) and OPP Avg. (.272), I had to see whether or not his run support is exbortitant. It really isn’t but I found the majority of the Jays’ starters get next to nothing. Shocking, yes? Of 102 pitchers who have completed 40 innings, Marcum is 80th with 3.65 runs/game, Halladay is 95th with 3.14, and McGowan is 98th with 2.72. Fucking BRUUUTAL.

Other fucked stats; after recognizing zero Twins’ starters (except for the immortal Boof Bonser), I had to discover their deal. Well, turns out they’re rabid pussies. They lead the MLB in walks allowed (only 94) and are last in in Strikeouts.

Other fucked stat; Cliff Lee leads the MLB in K/BB ratio with an 11.  Closest dude; 5.6!!!

Carlos Gomez is frightening. He reminds me of Adam Jones, though you should know I’ve seen Adam Jones play 3 times, which is horrifying considering I am now comparing others to him. I would much prefer Eric Bedard.

The Yahoo Box Score is garbage. Both star performers are featured in their former team’s caps. Really Yahoo? Pictures are that hard to come by?






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Filed under Aaron Hill, Adam Jones, B.J. Ryan, Baseball, Major League Baseball, Matty Stairs, Scott Rolen, Toronto Blue Jays

Brutal Losing and New Bats

The 13th inning proved to be the Jays’ Achilles heel (they probably passed under a ladder across a black cat’s path while pouring salt  once again last as the Rays’ overcame a 9th inning meltdown by Troy Percival with a 5 run 13th inning to defeat the Jays’ 8-3. After Percival allowed the Jays’ back into the game in the 9 by way of a Vernon 2 run homer and Aaron Hill single, the Rays’ put it out of reach in the 13th behind a Dioner Navarro Grand Slam off former Ray, Shawn Camp. Absolutely awful. Whenever the Jays’ get involved in these extra extra inning games, the result feels inevitable. Why do I watch this shit.

Though everyone is justifiably bitching about the Jays’ failure to knock in Rios in the tenth, the same situation went down in the fourth when Scotty Roles hit a triple with one out. In this particular situation, Stairs ground out and Vern popped out leaving the Roles visibly enraged (at least mentally). So instead of vilifying Shannon Stewart (though I too wish he was dead), lets get after Matty Stairs, the man who was involved in both failures. We ain’t scared to cut ties with Canadians, Matty. You ain’t invincible. Wheres Koskie right now? He ain’t got no hand injury. Not.

Kevin Mench’s career decline: collateral damage of the Mitchell Report

Now onto some ignorant optimism. KEVIN MENCH AND BRAD WILKERSON!!! THEY WERE AVAILABLE ALL THIS TIME AND WE DIDN’T PICK EM UP!!! Inexcusable JP. But honestly, I don’t see how these dudes can help at all. I assume they’re either 1B or OF so we’ll likely have a Stewart/Wilkerson/Mench/Stairs/Overbay combo at those two positions. I don’t see how either dude is a possible upgrade over anyone, and I mean anyone. This could have one positive side effect however, as it would occasionally (and hopefully permanently) remove the universally hated Stewart from the two-hole and allow Hill to take over, which would awesome considering Hill’s confidence is presumably at an all-time high after that game tying RBI last nite.

OK, after doing some statistical research on the two dudes, they do have some skills. Wilkerson is good at drawing walks and once finished 2nd in Rookie of the Year voting. So theres that. Even more encouraging is Kevin Mench’s ability to hit left handed pitchers (like we needed help in that department) and his sweet line-drive percentage. This is pretty coincidental since I was listening to a podcast today that claimed line-drive percentages is the new OBP (concerning their mainstream usage) anddudes with LDPof 16 or over are bound to succeed in the future. Kevin Mench’s LDP: 16.9%!!! The Gods smile upon us.


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Filed under Aaron Hill, Alexis Rios, Baseball, Major League Baseball, Matty Stairs, Scott Rolen, Toronto Blue Jays, Vernon Wells

Marcum Transcendence and Rance Vindication

Zaun tries to top AJ’s quantity with quality

Last nite the Jays’ trounced the Rays’ (in the 8th anyways) and took advantage of Shawn Marcum’s awesomness. Marcum took a 1 hit shutout into the 9th before being pulled after 3 straight hits that led to two Rays’ runs. Scotty Downs finished the game off by striking out Jays’ bitch, Carlos Pena, who has struck out 7 times in two games.

Type of poster on Scotty Rolen’s wall

We could have been witness to some Beej!! fireworks had the Jays’ not blew the game up in the 8th. Scotty Roles hit a 2 run jack in the 8th and provided some stellar defense in the 9th, snagging two GBs. Rolen just may be the most blue collar baseball player ever to play the game. While I wasn’t sure what to think when Rolen called baseball “strictly a job” on the Sportnet’s preview show, I now understand his mindset. I’ve never seen anyone looked so disgusted while playing baseball. He must love playing with Roy Halladay. While I wouldn’t know what athletes watch after a hard days work at the stadium, I could see Rolen watching carpentry montages set to Bruce Springsteen or John Cougar Mellencamp. It goes without saying that he devours sixers’ like Wade Boggs.

Besides hating his job with a hatred reserved for your father (they all do), Rolen also vindicated the Rance last nite. After advising Vern to look for the fastball on a 2-0 count in the 1st, the fat bastard inexplicably looked the strike into the mit for a 2-1 count. This occured with 2 on and 2 out. While I usually hate dudes who hate walks, I’m going to say Vern should be looking to drive in runs, not get on base and allow the Lyle to tease us with pseudo-homers. Also, if fucking Rance is able to sniff out a pitch, I figure a dude making 120 mill should too. Anyways, pitches later Vern delivered his normal bit with an inning ending groundout. Later on in the 8th when the same situation was presented to Mr. Rolen, he took it over the wall in Left-Centre. You could hear the vindication in Rances’ voice while applauding Rolen’s ability to recognize.  

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Filed under B.J. Ryan, Baseball, Major League Baseball, Scott Rolen, Shawn Marcum, Toronto Blue Jays, Uncategorized, Vernon Wells