Category Archives: Pittsburgh Penguins

How to Lose Free Agents and Alienate Veterans

Step 1: Honor a child with your captaincy!!!

Straight from the WWL: Blackhawks name Toews Captain. You got to be shitting me.

When in the hell did this practice become an option? I assume the vast majority of NHL players grew up in the same leadership environment as I did; when it comes to choosing the C, the options begin and end with the most experienced players. And now the NHL is adopting a practice that spits in the face of this successful, and logical, method. This shit is ass-backwards. Fuck grassroots development, the NHL is dictating a new definition of leadership from the top-down.

I’ll admit Toews seems like a swell chap. World Junior hero, Stevie Y-comparable, Chi-town savior, whatever. This declaration is fucked. If I had been named captain of my high school team as a FRESHMEN, veteran rebellion would soon follow. And I would completely understand. Sure, these guys are more mature, older, seasoned, all that jive but the old-school (Read: Proper. In this case anyways) way is still instilled
in these guys. There’s no way they ain’t feeling slighted. Brian Campbell especially.

Supposedly BC, who has experience as an NHL C, took less money to play in ChiTown. Sure, he was probably excited to play with the CHI 88s, but there had to be something more to the equation, especially for a dude who made his wishes to play near home (SW Ontario) well-known. Now he has no chance of ever leading this team and is stuck with the Hawks for 8 years, assuredly receiving diminished credit the whole time. I mean, the BC era and the Toews leadership era will begin on the same October night. Raw, raw deal my friends.

Why are the Blackhawks doing this? I mean, the past experiments should be enough to dissuade. Sure, Stevie Y is the shit, but he didn’t evolve into the player we all remember until Bowman showed up, and didn’t deliver his first cup until he was in his late 30s. Vinny was stripped of his C after one season and was rocking the A when the Bolts took the cup in 04. Granted, Crosby led his team to the Finals in just his
second season, but I feel the lack of Free Agent action is a more telling side effect of infant captains. Sure, they resigned some important pieces but were fucking inept on the FA market. This team is once again devoid of veterans and therefore more likely to falter come playoff time. Chitown is shaping up like Pittsburgh West. Being progressive ain’t worth it.



Filed under Brian Campbell, Chicago Blackhawks, Detroit Red Wings, Hockey, Jonathan Toews, NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby, Steve Yzerman

Malkin willing to be Mute Phil (if Golf was a team sport)

Unlike Crosby, Malkin will only pose with at least two layers covering his torso

In honor of the US Open, I give you a golf analogy that barely encompasses the Pittsburgh Penguins’ current situation, since Malkin cannot answer countless question about his counterpart due to his inability to speak English. But according to the latest news, it appears Malkin wishes to continue not answering questions concerning the life of his teammate, Sidney Crosby.

The Globe and Mail has just published an article claiming Malkin expects a contract extension to be hammered out soon after the beginning of the upcoming July 1st signing period. Even more shocking, to moronic NHL analysts anyways, I’m somewhat indifferent, is the dough Malkin will be seeking. Unlike previous alarming reports that assumed Malkin would demand a long term contract paying 9-10 million per year, Malkin has milder expectations. Geno will not be seeking Ovechkin type cash from the Pens and claims not be looking for anything greater than Crosby’s recent contract, which pays the Kid less than 9 mill/year. It seems the quiet Russian is happy in Pittsburgh and wishes to atone for his Stanley Cup regression, which was largely contrived by the Canadian media anyways but whatever. Sounds like a loyal dude.

However, all of these polite assertions mean nothing if some NHL GM pulls a Kevin Lowe come July 1. If someone feels Malkin is worth simoltaneously dishing out 10 million/year AND giving up the draft picks necessary to poach, then I doubt Malkin will turn it down. I don’t know who has the cap space to do such a thing, but the ideal situation for Malkin would be a small market team with less media coverage then the Pens. He probably feels pretty bitter about the hypocritical villification he received in the Finals and would pounce at the chance to leave it behind. On the other hand he does appear content to be the Pippen to Crosby’s Jordan* so who knows. All I know is the modest aw-shucking is bullshit. The market will reveal the truth.

But if Malkins anything like me he will probably be willing to take a significant paycut in order to avoid speaking publicly. Go anywhere else, there will be increased public speaking expectations since he would more than likely be the top dog. Stay in Pittsburgh and the Canadian media will continue to blow their wad on the lifeless pap Crosby consistently produces. Though to me, lifeless Russian responses would be a welcome change of pace from the shit that spews from beneath Crosby’s pube stache.

Updatefrom seconds ago, since I have no logical way of extending this post without using boldness: What the shit? I just read an article detailing the Penguins’ true priority this offseason, signing Marian Hossa, who is expecting no less than 8 million per season. Is this competitively possible? Blowing the cap on three dudes with max dollars? Didn’t that ruin many managerial careers in Tampa? This raises some new questions.

First of all, is Geno Malkin delusional or simply naive? He claims to expect a done deal “soon” after July 1st. Is he talking about the Penguins because according to this new development (for me anyway) they seem kind of disinterested in him. What are his expectations based upon? His willingness to play in Pittsburgh…because at this moment, that seems to mean little to Pittsburgh management. But why? I know, because Crosby is a manipulative twerp. After discovering the reasonable nature of Crosby’s contract, for the supposed Savior of the Sport anyways, there must have been some sort of clause worth the paycut.

People who pose topless should not be trusted to make personnel decisions

WARNING: CONSPIRACY TIME!!! Does Crosby have a say in Pittsburgh personnel moves? DOES HE? He so does, doesn’t he random figure I am directing these questions at. Think about it people, Hossa poses no threat to Crosby’s longterm reign of terror** and his involvement ensures Crosby’s point crown for the duration of Hossa’s contract. If Malkin stays he certainly won’t have the luxury of an All-Star scorer on his wing. Fucking Crosby. I hope Malkin haunts you for years to come, ya traiterous, hairless bastard.

*Sports analogies are awesome and infinetely less controversial than the biblical. I thought better of labelling Crosby Judas

**NOT an alarmist description. Guy spit on autograph seeking, Timbit enthusiasts***


****According to my buddy 

Penguins’ Malkin expects contract extension – Globe and Mail

Pens make Hossa their priority – Pittsburgh Tribune-Review



Filed under Evgeni Malkin, Hockey, Marian Hossa, NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby

Crosby Exhaustion

Has Crosby’s waxed chest turned Canadians off of the NHL Finals? Possibly, but theres probably something else at work.

Anyways, to me, what is most interesting about the 2008 NHL Finals is the Canadian public’s response to the supposed “rebirth”. According to this Canadian Press article, 500,000 more Canadians preferred last year’s Game 2 to this years’. Strange.

While some may argue the Finals’ lack of a Canadian team are driving the public’s waning interest, this argument is completely retarded. Hockey is Canada’s fucking game. It is the only earthly activity that Canadians have consistently dominated. Other than Women’s Ear Pull.

Even more unexplainable is the fact so many Canadians have turned their backs on the supposed savior of the NHL, Mr. Crosby. His inclusion in this year’s finals is clearly driving the improved interest in the US. Plus, Crosby has been covered so extensively by the Canadian media that you’d think most people had developed a personal connection with the Kid. 

But maybe the never ending coverage of Mr. Crosby has taken its toll on the good people of Canada. The Canadian media have been covering his life so thoroughly for so long that people may have stopped caring. Considering the limited actions Crosby performs to justify such coverage (other than his on-ice performance), it would definetely be reasonable for Canadians to lose interest. The US numbers are higher simply because they have not been subjected to the torture that is Crosby coverage.

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Filed under NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby, Uncategorized

Ovechkin and a Series for the Books

Ovechkin taunting the Flyers’ fans after putting the Caps up for good. Strangely, I’m not pissed.

Tonite, the Washington Capitals rallied from 2-0 in the 2nd to pull out a 4-2 victory and send their series with the Philadelphia Flyers to a 7th game back in DC. And who was at the heart of it? The most exciting and endearing player I’ve ever watched; Mr. Alexander Ovechkin. What would Bettman give for the Caps to pull it out? I think he’s sending Tim Donaghy in a Kerry Fraser wig to officiate. Jesus, the possibilies are arousing. Bettman is clearly praying to David Stern for a Caps’ victory. If this happens we could see the first playoff meeting between the NHL’s saviors; Ovechkin and Crosby. Now that the Habs have defeated the Bruins, the NHL is one Washington victory away from the series that could capture the hearts of the alienated fans of old. This could be so huge that NBC wouldn’t even relegate the games to the afternoon. If they do, look for a Nova Scotian invasion. They’re mean. And drunk.

Crosby throwing the first punch in the prepubescent Beard-Off. Ovechkin, response?

Even though I consider myself a proud Canadian, when it comes to the Ovechkin-Crosby debate, I’m siding with the childish Russian every time. The difference between Crosby’s on and off ice personas is too wide for him to be a compelling character. I’m not doubting his passion or anything because he clearly enjoys winning, but his fucking robotic off-ice persona is draining, and believe me, hes been involved in Canadian lives for quite a long time. It doesn’t grow on you. Then theres Alexander the Great. First of all, I’ve never played with, watched, or even heard of anyone who enjoys scoring more than this guy. Even Novice snipers don’t jump around like this dude after potting one. But strangely, the absurdity of said celebrations make him more endearing. Plus, the guys the most exciting weapon in the NHL. Theres nothing like seeing Alexander getting a head of steam going into the opposition’s zone. Absolutely anything can follow. That kind of spontaneity and uncertainty is somewhat missing from Sid’s game. While his playmaking abilities are FAR superior to Alexanders’, his ability to create on his own is lacking.

Will you let this man get in the way of the NHL’s Resurrection. Wait, who is this man again?

Anyways, heres a call to all diehard NHL fans out there; Do what you can to make a Capitals’ victory possible come Wednesday night. Remind Biron this is his first starting gig in the playoffs. Remind Briere that he will always be second fiddle. Remind any known Flyers’ fan that their coach is John A. Stevens; they too may have forgotten (John A.!! Who are ya friend?) Remind them that Derian Hatcher has been assigned to stopping a lineup of fleet-footed Europeans. Or even better that it is not 1999. And most importantly remind them that KENORA SUCKS!!! (fuck you Richards) The future of the NHL (seriously) relies on the creation of a Pittsburgh-Washington playoff series. If Ovechkin can lure me back to the SHOW, Ovechkin AND Crosby could entice millions. Lets make it happen. Plus I’d like to see the battle of prepubescent beards; Ovechkin v. Crosby is a battle for the ages in more ways than one.

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Filed under Alexander Ovechkin, NHL, Philadelphia Flyers, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby, Uncategorized, Washington Capitals