Category Archives: NFL

Jared Allen Survives on Opponents’ Souls

Check out this great profile piece on the Vikings’ new DE, Jared Allen. Supposedly the man is some kind of thrill seeker who wrestles Longhorns for fun and boars for eats. I have never been so excited and horrified for a new Vike. Overall, the guy sounds like a quality dude, an ideal buddy to hit the town with who will both keep things light and have your back. While this would be sweet in Uni, when your favorite team is dolling out 31 million for the guy, the mix of loyalty and insanity is worrying. It’s amazing we haven’t heard of any barroom brawls involving the guy. Whatever, he’s portrayed as too dedicated to fuck up his day job, which the article reveals has been the culmination of a lifetime of hard work.

Now on to the exciting shit. The article’s highlight for me was this Allen quote:

“When I line up across from a blocker, he knows the fight is going to be brutal,” Allen says. “And when we’re done I want to be able to shake hands and hear him say, ‘Man, that was a long day at the office.’ I want to take a piece of his soul.”

Nice. With this kind of rushing insanity, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the NFL’s Ted Nugent break the sack record this year. Honestly, with the Williams brothers providing help in the middle and removing doubling possibilities, Allen should be let loose on the end. Combine this with the week crop of Left Tackles in the NFC North and Allen could be looking at a historic fall. Lets hope he keeps his demons in check.

Also, on a lighter note, I feel Allen is in need of a badass nickname. This Jared Allen bullshit is too suburban. Since Allen subsists on human soul, I feel a Mortal Kombat parallel would be in order, though that may be a lil dated and no one in Mortal Kombat has a cool name, except Johnny Cage but that dudes a Hollywood pussy who likes punching Shokans in the balls (Why was that even introduced in the movie? I’d like to think of all video game characters as eunuchs. Insinuating that a four-armed sasquatch has human plumbing evokes some pretty disturbing images) Anyways, maybe Finish Him Allen?  

Many thanks to the Sporting News’ Mike Nahrstedt for the great profile. Here’s the link:

http://www.sportingnews.com/yourturn/viewtopic.php?t=423028

 

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Filed under Football, Jared Allen, Minnesota Vikings, NFL

Patriots’ Offseason Insanity Continues

First, Deadspin broke newsthe Patriots’ cheerleading squad would feature jailbait next year, and now it’sbeen revealed that Nick Kaczur was…drugdealers’…bait…for…jail (yessss) And they totally devoured what Kaczur was selling!! Or buying. Whatever, those mofos are going to jail because of Mr. Kaczur.

Many strange things involving this story, besides the obvious (covert O-Linemen ain’t a common breed) . First off, I had no idea this scenario actually played out in real life. Its like the butler punishment in Seinfeld. Or the backstory for the short lived, but forever cherished, Fastlane. So the DEA was running low on capable undercover agents so they thought a public figure would be most effective? Where the hell did this sting go down? Hopefully not in New England because I think, and this is pure speculation, there are football fans in New England. Or are all 6’6 300 pound men indistinguishable from one another? And the prototypical Oxycontin user? Insanity.

Second, isn’t “snitching” a much condemned action these days. I saw a 60 Minutes Piece on it for christ sakes. Will Rodney Harrison shun the Kaczur come September? I mean the only dude he’s ever snitched on was himself. I know Vinny Wilfork will be throwing bows. I think they teach anti-snitching courses at the U.

Finally, all this Patriot dysfunction thus far is starting to make the Patriots a palpable team if only because they’re completely fucked. Just 6 months ago, this was the ideal and infuriating franchise. Now everything has gone to shit. Brady in Giants’ hats. Snitching Linemen. Marketing department courting pedophiles. Such epic, and unbelievable, behavior has me itching for what comes next. What’s next? Some Sauerbraun smash? Some Kyle Brady identity theft? Hookers? Blow? The favorite for absurdity has got to be Vinny Forks. It must be impossible for him to control his injurious urges in the off-season. For your viewing pleasure I have included Vinny’s greatest hit, The Flying Bow.

P.S. Stay tuned for an outpour of Nick Kaczur apologists. If Josh Hamilton has taught us anything, besides proving finding friends at tattoo parlors may not be the best course of action, it’s that the mainstream sports media loves white athletes who kick habits.

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Filed under Drugs, Football, New England Patriots, NFL, Nick Kaczur

Belichick continues to Fuck with Goodell

Mark Chmura will most definetely not be invited to Patriots’ Camp. And yes, I believe Fuck to be worthy of a capital beginning.

On the same day news broke of Travis Henry’s ousting, the Patriots have decided to feature a teenager in their 2008 Cheerleading Squad. Bravo, Belichick. Making Gillette Stadium a pedophile-haven had not even crossed my mind of possible ways to fuck with Goodell.

First of all, what the hell are her parents thinking? A urine-soaked stadium of drunken New Englanders would not be the ideal place for my teenage daughter to hone her sexually suggestive dancing.

Thanks to Deadspin for the link

Travis Henry link via The Big Lead

 

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Filed under Bill Belichick, New England Patriots, NFL, Roger Goodell, Travis Henry

Mike Shanahan hates the Modern Family

 According to ESPN, the terrorist organization that is the Denver Broncos have signed Michael Pittman because Travis Henry has not reported to “optional” workouts. Has there ever been a more meaningless NFL transaction that has been this blatant in its disgust for the modern family? I say almost certainly no.

While Shanahan has been raising a “traditional” family, Mr. Henry has revolutionized the Catholic family (no actual proof of Henry’s catholicism. Just creating some decent justificache) Instead of pro-creating a large amount of children with one woman, Henry has instead chosen to pro-create a large amount of children with MANY women. Brilliant.

Come to think of it, Henry may be in the midst of a melding of old school Mormonism and Catholicism. Or just may be participating in old school Mormonism. My understanding of popular religion is underdeveloped at best and completely contrived at worst. Just like this blog post.

*After actually reading the story that corresponded with the ESPN headline, it turns out Henry has an injured hamstring. The financial responsibility of 18 people is a large burden.

**”Travis Henry children” has just revealed Henry is expecting his tenth child this November. I heard the tenth is the easiest.

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Filed under Denver Broncos, NFL, Travis Henry

Tarnished Awesomeness

When I first saw this commercial, my reaction was similar to numerous Nike greats; goosebumps. Nike commercials may become the new iPod spots, launching little known artists like Saul Williams to mainstream success (which probably won’t happen in Mr. William’s case, considering the content explored within his lyrics. Its pretty surprising Nike chose to feature such a subversive tune in a national ad)

Even more surprising, in a purely trivial way, is the appearances of Steve Nash and Kevin Durant in the ad. Though they both are national figures who excel at their sport, I find the comparision between LT or Purple Jesus’ offseason workouts with those of Nash and Durants’ pretty absurd. Nike men, you realize Kevin Durant appears to have never worked out a day in his life, right? When attempting to launch a workout merchandise line, you should probably do so with athletes who actually realize what they are selling. I am not doubting the fact that Durant has probably shot millions of jumpers in empty gyms or whatever but this Sparq bullshit ain’t about that. It’s about PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTING workouts. I find the suggestion that All Day races dragsters more plausible than Nike’s claim that Kevin Durant short steps.

I doubt Purple Jesus or LT or Matt Holliday were born into their current physiques but when I look at Kevin Durant’s shrivelled frame, I can’t help but feel that he has looked that way since he was 12. In short, basketball is the sport of natural athleticism, football or baseball is not, and comparing the PHYSICAL work necessary to maintain success in either sport is absurd. Case in point, VC (VC, along with Ron Artest, will always be used to argue the negative aspects of the NBA. That is their legacy)

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Filed under Adrian Peterson, Kevin Durant, Ladanian Tomlinson, NBA, NFL

Drunk Jared salvages an Awful Night

Fuck YOU TAMPA!! ALLEN’S OURS!!!!

So I check out the sports schedule for tonite, and I instantly have to change my pants. We’re looking at 7th Caps-Flyers, Jays-Rays, Raps-Magic, Hil-Obams, and Suns-Spurs. What did I end up with? Fuckin nothin. My beloved Canadians lost out. My superficial president lost. And worst of all, Bettman launched a new ice age (of indifference. bad pun) for the NHL (ya, Philly-Montreal and Pitt-NY has me hot Bettman, you fuckin Willnot)

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Willnot

Anyways, so I’m looking to the beloved ESPN for anything sympathetic and I fall upon the holy grail of fan makeup sex. The “cryptkeeper” (no matter how big a douche you are Salisbury, you hit the jaw with this one) John Clayton has just reported that reigning NFL sackmaster Jared Allen is going to the Vikes.

 http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3362701

Though we’re now giving up two third rounders to go with the 17th Overall pick, I feel this is definetely worth it. Allens 26. Hes an angry man.  We have the Williams brothers. He will break 20 sacks. Honestly I don’t care if they give him Clements money, this guy will earn it. CBs don’t get reminded enough that they’re playin football. Smack Allen once and he will Osi in your facemask. Seriously, this guy led the league in sacks last year. Now we have the TWO best lines in football. PREDICTION: The Vikes will play 2 home games in the 2009 playoffs.

New Version: Purple Jesus & Bernard? Hutch & Bry? Wills & Wills? Jared & Murderous Rage? I’m cool on all counts.

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Filed under Gary Bettman, Jared Allen, Kansas City Chiefs, NFL, Philadelphia Flyers, phoenix suns, steve nash, Washington Capitals

The Future of the Vikes: Love Boat II or Rings?

let me tell ya, im gettin excited for the upcoming draft. after receiving the savior that is Adrian Peterson last year, i feel optimism unprecedented in the post-Moss era. after riddin ourselves of the ignorant and lazy Troy ‘the bust’ Williamson (grandmother’s funeral, u got to know Childress better than that. also how does blazin speed not result in NFL success? like ud think hed get open on a deep route at LEAST every 3 games) and signing the intriguing Bernard berrian, the vikes are supposedly looking at a DE or another WR in the first round. these are the potential draftees:

Derrick Harvey (DE-Florida) popular choice among the draft pundits to be taken by the Vikes, guy supposedly has top-10 talent, which once again raises the ever popular character question that is essential to the Vikes future: will this man ever participate in oral sex in front of teammates and strippers on a Minnesota lake? shoulda been on the wonderlic. after his pro-day, which according to the immortal Mike Mayock was off-the-charts, we may not have the chance to get em.

Calais Campbell (DE-Miami) this dude came out of nowhere and was recently added by former bouncer Mel Kiper to his ever-important draft board. i gotta sayNO FUCKIN WAY!! though this dude is 6’8 290, he is a physical clone to one Bryant McKinnie (also a U alum), aka the most outgoing person on the Love Boat, which was a FLOATING SEX PARTY. cant take any chances of a repeat. also, the Love Boat seems kind of inevitable when u take guys from the SEC or ACC or anywhere other than the Big 10 and throw them into the middle of Fargo. while im no expert on the nightlife of the twin cities i gotta assume its subpar. so after months of hockey highlights and incoherent accents, these guys musta snapped and said “screw it, its time to escape this freezin hell and recreate south beach”. after months of romanticizing the filthiness of it, they went a lil overboard – no harm done and years of Vikes jokes. win-win in my book.

Personally, if i were the Vikes GM if DeSean Jackson fell to us at 17, i would pounce. if im picturing his game correctly he could turn into the next steve smith or wes welker. while the first round choice is always exciting it pales in comparision to what could be brewin in the 2nd round. WIll ol CHildress admit defeat and rid the Vikes of Tavaris is the big question surrounding the 2nd round because both Chad Henne and Brian Brohm could be available at #47. while Henne is decent, the chance of poaching Brohm has got me fuckin giddy. this guy was a sure fire top 10 pick last year and we could steal him at #47!! besides his obvious talents, whats got me jacked is the certainty of the Moss-factor. Brohm would be absolutely furious at the rest of the league for passin on him and would work his ass off to inflict misery. absolute ideal scenario right there, so recap.

1st Round – Desean Jackson or Derrick Harvey

2nd Round – BRIAN BROHM or Calais Campbell (some have him this low; i have no idea what Kiper is trying to prove) or Lawrence Jackson if DeSean picked in 1st

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Filed under Minnesota Vikings, NFL, NFL Draft, Sports