Category Archives: Marian Hossa

Mad Cappin’: Northeast Style

The big winners of 07’s Free Agency. So excited they actually began to look alike. To a horrifying degree.

Being that the NHL’s Free Agent Signing Period begins in three days (On Canada Day!!! How demeaning!!), I figured I’d use my limited knowledge to analyze the NHL’s Northeast Divisions’ cap situation*. It’ll be similar to a TSN special, but with a heightened self-awareness of inferiority.

Boston Bruins

Current Number of Dudes Under Contract for the 08-09 Season: 19

Current Cap Number: $46 Million

Most Expensive Dudes: Zdeno Chara @ 7.5 million, Mark Savard @ 5 million, Patrice Bergeron @ 4.75 million, Manny Fernandez @ 4.33 million, Glen Murray @ 4.15 million

Dudes’ Take of Current Cap Figure: 55.9%

Will Savard and Hossa be recreating the magic of 05 in Boston? It’s almost certainly possible.

Wild speculation has the Bruins buying out Murray and signing Marian Hossa, a move that would reunite the old Atlanta teammates (Marc Savard had a career year in 05-06) in a more conducive environment. If Hossa could help Savard get 97 points in Atlanta, I’d say 150 isn’t out of the question in Boston. Also, when the hell did this Manny Fernandez signing occur? Don’t they have like 4 competent goaltenders within the Boston organization (Toikkenen, Auld, Thomas, Rask)? Fuck buying Murray out, get rid of that Fernandez clown and promote Tuuka Rask. Leafs’ fans haven’t suffered enough.

Buffalo Sabres

Current number of Dudes under contract for the 08-09 season: 16

Current Cap Number: 39 million

Most expensive dudes: Thomas Vanek (wow Kevin Lowe’s wheelings and dealings are simultaneously alienating fans in two cities) @ 7.14 million (for the next 5 years too. Wow), Derek Roy @ 4 million, Jochan Hecht @ 3.525 million, Jaroslav Spacek @ 3.33 million, Maxim Afinogenev @ 3.33 million

Dudes’ Take: 54.7%

Who is this wonderfully coiffed young man? While it’s Thomas “7.14 million” Vanek, or the Christopher Columbus of Restricted Free Agency. Enjoy the next five years, Sabres’ fans!!

That Vanek deal is looking awful. He’s one of the Top 10 highest paid in the Eastern Conference and he racked up 64 points last year. In a full 82 game season. Plus he has a child out of wedlock!!! All this money has and gone to his head!!! Take him Edmonton!!! But seriously, was keeping him the right move? Too early to tell, but in Buffalo, Kevin Lowe voodoo dolls must be at a premium. Also, will Campbell return to Buffalo? They got some room to make something happen, but it may come down to him or Maxim, whose contract ends after this season. Personally, I’d go with BC. Highly compensated Europeans haven’t worked out too well in Buffalo (I’m using Vanek as precedent. It’s not too early too tell. He’s a colossal bust)

Montreal Canadiens

Current number of Dudes under contract for the 08-09 season: 17

Current Cap Number: 41 million

Most expensive dudes: Andrei Markov @ 5.75 million, Roman Hamrlik @ 5.5 million?, Alex Tanguay @ 5.25 million, Saku Koivu @ 4.75 million, Alexei Kovalev @ 4.5 million

Dudes’ Take: 62.8%

Will Scandinavia follow their victory of 08 with a similar result in 09? Haps’ fans keep your fingers crossed, since it may be the last chance for Scandinavian success in Montreal.

It’s got to be pretty sweet to have your highest paid players either be mediocre or above the age of 33. Nice long-term strategy, Mr. Gainey cuz your fucked after this year. The Canadiens only have 5 players signed beyond this season and they will have to deal with the Free Agenting of Higgins, Komisarek, Kovalev, Tanguay, Koivu, and Ryder after this season. Whose without a chair? Could Canadian teams’ supposed purging of their European captains spread to Quebec? Will Kovalev make the decision easier and retire to a life of exorbitant luxury in the Russian Superleague? Will there be any dough left for Price in the summer of 10? They better make things happen this year because the future of their team in its current form is non-existent.

Ottawa Senators

Current number of dudes under contract for the 08-09 season: 14

Current Cap Number: 40 million

Most Expensive Dudes: Dany Heatley @ 7.5 million, Jason Spezza @ 7 million, Daniel Alfredsson @ 4.4 million, Mike Fisher @ 4.2 million, Martin Gerber @ 3.7 million

Dudes’ Take: 67%

Would Alfy be willing to accept fewer dollars to stay with his boys?

I really love the long term deals of Jason Spezza and Dany Heatley. They will look better the more time passes too. That being said, they have a number of questions confronthing them both this summer and next. Concerning this season, what defenceman will they choose to retain: Mezjaros or Redden? For next summer, they must decide whether or not Gerber is the goalie of the future or look elsewhere for help. And more importantly, they will have to decide whether or not to resign Alfredsson. His current contract is a fucking steal but I doubt he’d be willing to resign for anything less than 6 million/year, which is completely fair considering his career production. This is potentially crazy shit; all 4 of the European Captains within Canada could be on the way out in the next two years. Sundin and Naslund could both be gone this summer and Alfy and Koivu are Free Agents next summer for teams that are either financially committed to younger talent (Ottawa) or more likely to resign younger talent (Montreal with Higgins, Ryder, and Komisarek). This is all very ironic considering European leadership has peaked within the NHL with Nicklas Lidstrom’s captaining of the Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings. Though predicting the success of one team based upon the nationality of another’s captain is questionable, Detroit’s victory would allow teams to squash any uncertainties surrounding their captain’s ability to lead by pointing to the success of Lidstrom. Considering this new get out of jail free card with the increasingly xenophobic Canadian media, the timing of these player’s potential exits is very odd. Or it could be a coincidence. We’ll have to wait and see. Anyways, it’ll be interesting to see where these great players end up in the next couple years.

Toronto Maple Leafs

Current number of dudes under contract for the 08-09 season: 18

Current Cap Number: 40 million

Most Expensive Dudes: Bryan McCabe @ 5.75 million, Pavel Kubina @ 5 million, Tomas Kaberle @ 4.25 million, Jason Blake @ 4 million, Vesa Toskala @ 4 million

Dudes’ Take: 57.5%

Jason Blake: Not the worst contract on the Leafs, but certainly in the Top 3. The Leafs take pride in that skill, dominating the Northeast leaderboard with 3 of the worst 4 contracts in the division. It’s difficult to place, however, considering the parallel shittiness of McCabe and Vanek.

And finally onto the team most likely to be analyzed, the Toronto Maple Leafs. Their most highly compensated players are pretty comical considering that 4 of the top 5 payed are defensive players. Funny. Besides that, puzzling is the only way I can describe the contract of Jason Blake, or the the man most likely to be around in 2011-2012 (based solely on his contract. Only guy signed that long) Tucker is living the high life right now; guy could be living pretty doing shit for five years on the 1 mill/year the Leafs are paying him. Is the 2nd worst buyout in the Eastern Conference, behind the enviable situation of Mr. Alexei Yashin. Anyways, the big question revolves around Sundin’s future in Toronto. Is he coming back or not? I think he should go. Coming back would diminish his legacy. Leaving now would sollidify his position as a victim of the incompetency of JFJ and the rest of the idiotic Leafs’ management. Go to a contender, win a cup, and be celebrated like Kevin Garnett.


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Filed under Boston Bruins, Brian Campbell, Buffalo Sabres, Hockey, Marc Savard, Marian Hossa, Mats Sundin, Montreal Canadiens, NHL, Ottawa Senators, Saku Koivu, Thomas Vanek, Toronto Maple Leafs

Malkin willing to be Mute Phil (if Golf was a team sport)

Unlike Crosby, Malkin will only pose with at least two layers covering his torso

In honor of the US Open, I give you a golf analogy that barely encompasses the Pittsburgh Penguins’ current situation, since Malkin cannot answer countless question about his counterpart due to his inability to speak English. But according to the latest news, it appears Malkin wishes to continue not answering questions concerning the life of his teammate, Sidney Crosby.

The Globe and Mail has just published an article claiming Malkin expects a contract extension to be hammered out soon after the beginning of the upcoming July 1st signing period. Even more shocking, to moronic NHL analysts anyways, I’m somewhat indifferent, is the dough Malkin will be seeking. Unlike previous alarming reports that assumed Malkin would demand a long term contract paying 9-10 million per year, Malkin has milder expectations. Geno will not be seeking Ovechkin type cash from the Pens and claims not be looking for anything greater than Crosby’s recent contract, which pays the Kid less than 9 mill/year. It seems the quiet Russian is happy in Pittsburgh and wishes to atone for his Stanley Cup regression, which was largely contrived by the Canadian media anyways but whatever. Sounds like a loyal dude.

However, all of these polite assertions mean nothing if some NHL GM pulls a Kevin Lowe come July 1. If someone feels Malkin is worth simoltaneously dishing out 10 million/year AND giving up the draft picks necessary to poach, then I doubt Malkin will turn it down. I don’t know who has the cap space to do such a thing, but the ideal situation for Malkin would be a small market team with less media coverage then the Pens. He probably feels pretty bitter about the hypocritical villification he received in the Finals and would pounce at the chance to leave it behind. On the other hand he does appear content to be the Pippen to Crosby’s Jordan* so who knows. All I know is the modest aw-shucking is bullshit. The market will reveal the truth.

But if Malkins anything like me he will probably be willing to take a significant paycut in order to avoid speaking publicly. Go anywhere else, there will be increased public speaking expectations since he would more than likely be the top dog. Stay in Pittsburgh and the Canadian media will continue to blow their wad on the lifeless pap Crosby consistently produces. Though to me, lifeless Russian responses would be a welcome change of pace from the shit that spews from beneath Crosby’s pube stache.

Updatefrom seconds ago, since I have no logical way of extending this post without using boldness: What the shit? I just read an article detailing the Penguins’ true priority this offseason, signing Marian Hossa, who is expecting no less than 8 million per season. Is this competitively possible? Blowing the cap on three dudes with max dollars? Didn’t that ruin many managerial careers in Tampa? This raises some new questions.

First of all, is Geno Malkin delusional or simply naive? He claims to expect a done deal “soon” after July 1st. Is he talking about the Penguins because according to this new development (for me anyway) they seem kind of disinterested in him. What are his expectations based upon? His willingness to play in Pittsburgh…because at this moment, that seems to mean little to Pittsburgh management. But why? I know, because Crosby is a manipulative twerp. After discovering the reasonable nature of Crosby’s contract, for the supposed Savior of the Sport anyways, there must have been some sort of clause worth the paycut.

People who pose topless should not be trusted to make personnel decisions

WARNING: CONSPIRACY TIME!!! Does Crosby have a say in Pittsburgh personnel moves? DOES HE? He so does, doesn’t he random figure I am directing these questions at. Think about it people, Hossa poses no threat to Crosby’s longterm reign of terror** and his involvement ensures Crosby’s point crown for the duration of Hossa’s contract. If Malkin stays he certainly won’t have the luxury of an All-Star scorer on his wing. Fucking Crosby. I hope Malkin haunts you for years to come, ya traiterous, hairless bastard.

*Sports analogies are awesome and infinetely less controversial than the biblical. I thought better of labelling Crosby Judas

**NOT an alarmist description. Guy spit on autograph seeking, Timbit enthusiasts***


****According to my buddy 

Penguins’ Malkin expects contract extension – Globe and Mail

Pens make Hossa their priority – Pittsburgh Tribune-Review



Filed under Evgeni Malkin, Hockey, Marian Hossa, NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby