Category Archives: Kobe Bryant

Glaceau’s Olympic Ad Policy: Hide the Ink

You mean it works for an accused sex offender!?! Spectacular, Vitamin Water!!* Or powerful enough, ah fuck it.

Today I was browsing through the newest Sports Illustrated, you know, the one declaring 6 Time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps “On the Verge”, and was lucky enough to happen upon a bizarre two-page ad from Glaceau Vitamin Water featuring Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, and Dwight Howard. After investigating the Ad**, I discovered how spectacularly lazy, and Anti-Tat, Vitamin Water’s Ad Department has become.

After failing to find a digital copy of the print version, I found the picture above, which I immediatelly recognized as the exact picture used in the supposedly “new” SI ad. The only difference: the SI ad’s picture of Kobe is reversed, making his Tat-Heavy*** right arm hidden from the reader’s view****.

Also hidden from view are LBJ’s Upper Arms, making him the only player in the Ad rocking the T. The other, Dwight Howard, is hanging from a floating rim in the background, pious shoulders bare for all to see. So, what up Vitamin Water? What’s with the Tat-abandonment?

*Too dated?

**By investigate, I mean I searched for the pic on Google

***It’s a big Tat, even if it’s only one

****Possibly also hidden from view is Kobe Bryant himself. In the Vitamin Water Ad, he’s rocking a more prominent shnozz and longer hair absent from an SI spread two pages earlier. Looks like Tim Thomas is supplementing.

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Filed under Basketball, Dwight Howard, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Olympics, Vitamin Water

The NBA Finals and Deja Vu

Game 1’s Signature Moment

First of all, no, the Deja Vu in the title does not refer to any nostalgic pandering. I have no idea what the rivalry was like in the past and comparing one game in 2008 to anything in the 1980s would be ridiculous (except Top Gun. Posey and KG). The Deja Vu I’m talking bout is the Denzel shitfest of 2006. Well, what does another mailed-in Denzel film have to do with the NBA Finals you ask? Well, absolutely nothing but I just finished watching the “truth” (wait a tick) and I needed a venue to vent about the absurdity of the sci-fi thriller. So here goes.

The Unfathomable Trio

Adam Goldberg and Denzel Washington Award for Most Inexcusable Duo – Since I’m basically making shit up as I look at last nite’s boxscore, lets go with Pau Gasol and Kevin Garnett. On the one hand you have Gasol, the greasy maniacal Spaniard whose patchy neck beard would draw laughter in Appalachia, let alone downtown LA. On the other, we got KG, or the most charismatic presence to lace up the hightops this decade (20,000 notches secures the all-time post) Their Deja Vu counterparts, which kills me to do since I fucking hate Denzel, are pretty obvious. I mean Denzel Washington may well be the most charismatic person on earth. Seriously, name another public figure who can repeat the same performance dozens of times and yet receive critical acclaim and public love. It’s infuriating, he plays himself every movie. Come to think of it, so does Adam Goldberg. Damn, this list is fucked already. Whatever, its not about whether they play themselves in every movie, which they do, but the absurdity of their pairing. You got Goldberg, the insecure, sarcastic, smug hipster and Denzel, the uber-confident, smooth everyman. Counterparts, counterparts…How bout Sam Cassell and courttime?

Mr. Zen meditating on ways to escape the Finals unscathed

Unaccountability Ribbon – To the coach that, like the film, may be the only piece of cinema immune from plot inconsistency criticism, Phil Jackson. This man is the most unaccountable for Lakers’ losses yet his genius is constantly used as reasoning for their success. If the Lakers lose, you know Kobe will take the brunt of the blame, yet Jackson will point to the Celtics’ superior team play to justify the loss, simultaneously covering his own ass and throwing his players under the bus.

Where have you been Paula? You made the shitpile of Deja Vu mildly watchable

Paula Patton Award for Infuriating Absence – Pretty easy award here, Mr. Eddie House. Sam Cassell may be truly fucked. Who does he think he is? How the hell has he ever gotten starters’ minutes in the NBA. The guy chucks like mad. I have no earthly idea why he gets so frustrated with his teammates either. He doesn’t pass. He doesn’t look to pass. He only shoots. Its shocking he even recognizes his fellow Celtics, let alone speaks to them. House then was the Paula Patton of last nite’s match. Like Patton, I too wonder when I will see him again (for completely different reasons however. I mean, look at her. Where the fucks she been?) Every 5-man unit House was a part of during the regular season was successful. The crowd loves him. His son watches every game from the bench. Give this man some minutes. Like Paula Patton, I miss the House.

Jim Caviezel Award for Biggest Turnaround – Very easy here, if only for the whole savior symmetry, Ray Allen. Unlike Caviezel, who went from playing JESUS to playing a bigoted terrorist whose motives for destruction are never quite revealed, Ray-Ray has had a positive turnaround during this postseason. I mean, guy put up a crazy game last nite. 19 points, 8 rebounds, 5 assists. Nice line, Jesus Shuttlesworth.

Val Kilmer Award for Most Subdued Performance by a Known Lunatic – Where the hell was the Turiaf last nite? Like with Kilmer in Deja Vu, who I was waiting for to drunkenly reveal his appendix was turning back time, Turiaf’s intensity was never unleashed. He was a non-factor in the game and the Lakers are going to need something from him if they wish to win the series. In fact, the whole Lakers front-court was absolutely dominated on Thursday. KG and Perks worked the post at will. I’ve never seen KG’s post game look so dominant.

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Filed under Basketball, Boston Celtics, Denzel Washington, Eddie House, Glen Davis, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, NBA, Ronny Turiaf, Sam Cassell, Uncategorized, Val Kilmer

Chris Bosh on Jay Leno?!?!

Just finished watching Game 1 of the Finals, cruising the airwaves for some pre-sleep entertainment and I fell upon Jay Leno. Couldn’t believe who was on. Non other than the Toronto Raptors Chris Bosh. What the fuck you say? I felt the same way. But you know what? Bosh was fucking great. Actually legitmately, truly funny. I was shocked. Sure the guy had produced some low budget pseudo-comical skits in the past but tonite Bosh was showing off the chops. I guess Leno hired the Raptors franchise to provide some comedic Q & A from the Finals participants and Bosh killed it. He was throwing out some hilarious original questions, busting guys about short shorts, Sex and the City, and random skullets. Few of my favorites: Bosh asking Big Baby what Sex and the City character best represents him and getting a sincere answer that bordered on creepy. Getting ruined by the Mamba with a mean neck slap but getting back at him later in the piece with some Old Spice chirping. Another sweet bit featured some questioning of the Machine, Sasha Vujacic and whether or not Paris Hilton gave him the nickname. Some good ol’ wholesome entertainment. 

Though this is undoubtedly great for the present Raptors’ situation, this kind of exposure has me concerned. It was probably the first time millions of Americans were introduced to Bosh and he killed it. Would a budding national figure spend his prime in Canada, removed from mainstream American media? Who knows but like LBJ’s relationship with Jay-Z, Chris Bosh’s relationship with Jay Leno has me worried. My advice to Colangelo, lock this man up immediately. I don’t care if his extension just kicked in, I want to be in the Chris Bosh business. If tonite’s performance is any indication of what he is capable of in off-court promotion, the next decade could be the Raptors golden era.

Another thing, when Bosh was interviewing Kobe, the Leno crowd went crazy. It’s incredible how much they love him out there. Considering his “hobbies” and all.

I don’t have a link to the video since it just aired but it will probably be available on the NBC website or Red Lasso tomorrow. I implore ya to check it out. Bosh does not disappoint. Above is some classic Bosh comedy to whet the appetite.

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Filed under Basketball, canada, Chris Bosh, Glen Davis, Jay Leno, Kobe Bryant, NBA, Toronto Raptors