Game 1’s Signature Moment
First of all, no, the Deja Vu in the title does not refer to any nostalgic pandering. I have no idea what the rivalry was like in the past and comparing one game in 2008 to anything in the 1980s would be ridiculous (except Top Gun. Posey and KG). The Deja Vu I’m talking bout is the Denzel shitfest of 2006. Well, what does another mailed-in Denzel film have to do with the NBA Finals you ask? Well, absolutely nothing but I just finished watching the “truth” (wait a tick) and I needed a venue to vent about the absurdity of the sci-fi thriller. So here goes.
The Unfathomable Trio
Adam Goldberg and Denzel Washington Award for Most Inexcusable Duo – Since I’m basically making shit up as I look at last nite’s boxscore, lets go with Pau Gasol and Kevin Garnett. On the one hand you have Gasol, the greasy maniacal Spaniard whose patchy neck beard would draw laughter in Appalachia, let alone downtown LA. On the other, we got KG, or the most charismatic presence to lace up the hightops this decade (20,000 notches secures the all-time post) Their Deja Vu counterparts, which kills me to do since I fucking hate Denzel, are pretty obvious. I mean Denzel Washington may well be the most charismatic person on earth. Seriously, name another public figure who can repeat the same performance dozens of times and yet receive critical acclaim and public love. It’s infuriating, he plays himself every movie. Come to think of it, so does Adam Goldberg. Damn, this list is fucked already. Whatever, its not about whether they play themselves in every movie, which they do, but the absurdity of their pairing. You got Goldberg, the insecure, sarcastic, smug hipster and Denzel, the uber-confident, smooth everyman. Counterparts, counterparts…How bout Sam Cassell and courttime?
Mr. Zen meditating on ways to escape the Finals unscathed
Unaccountability Ribbon – To the coach that, like the film, may be the only piece of cinema immune from plot inconsistency criticism, Phil Jackson. This man is the most unaccountable for Lakers’ losses yet his genius is constantly used as reasoning for their success. If the Lakers lose, you know Kobe will take the brunt of the blame, yet Jackson will point to the Celtics’ superior team play to justify the loss, simultaneously covering his own ass and throwing his players under the bus.
Where have you been Paula? You made the shitpile of Deja Vu mildly watchable
Paula Patton Award for Infuriating Absence – Pretty easy award here, Mr. Eddie House. Sam Cassell may be truly fucked. Who does he think he is? How the hell has he ever gotten starters’ minutes in the NBA. The guy chucks like mad. I have no earthly idea why he gets so frustrated with his teammates either. He doesn’t pass. He doesn’t look to pass. He only shoots. Its shocking he even recognizes his fellow Celtics, let alone speaks to them. House then was the Paula Patton of last nite’s match. Like Patton, I too wonder when I will see him again (for completely different reasons however. I mean, look at her. Where the fucks she been?) Every 5-man unit House was a part of during the regular season was successful. The crowd loves him. His son watches every game from the bench. Give this man some minutes. Like Paula Patton, I miss the House.
Jim Caviezel Award for Biggest Turnaround – Very easy here, if only for the whole savior symmetry, Ray Allen. Unlike Caviezel, who went from playing JESUS to playing a bigoted terrorist whose motives for destruction are never quite revealed, Ray-Ray has had a positive turnaround during this postseason. I mean, guy put up a crazy game last nite. 19 points, 8 rebounds, 5 assists. Nice line, Jesus Shuttlesworth.
Val Kilmer Award for Most Subdued Performance by a Known Lunatic – Where the hell was the Turiaf last nite? Like with Kilmer in Deja Vu, who I was waiting for to drunkenly reveal his appendix was turning back time, Turiaf’s intensity was never unleashed. He was a non-factor in the game and the Lakers are going to need something from him if they wish to win the series. In fact, the whole Lakers front-court was absolutely dominated on Thursday. KG and Perks worked the post at will. I’ve never seen KG’s post game look so dominant.