Last night, both the UFC and Affliction battled it out for MMA supremacy on Spike and PPV, respectively. Being the casual-est of fans, I felt no need to doll out the 50 bones for a glimpse of the mythical Fedor (this video proves my decision to be quite retarded)
Whatever, I enjoyed the majority of the card. Taylor v. Dalloway saw the Upper Lip utilize the Peruvian Necktie, a move I’ve never heard of or seen attempted. It was gnarly and will now be my go-to-move in Memphis street fights. Cain v. Ed O’Brien was pretty uneventful, Cain pinned his arms beneath his legs and arm, laid across O’Brien’s chest, and methodically pummeled his face for 2 minutes. Edgar v. Franca was garbage. Hermes looked unbelievably weak and was painfully deliberate in his movements (except for one freakish surge of energy that saw him break guard and somehow lock BOTH OF Edgar arms between his legs for an armbar attempt) It was broken and the rest of the fight was tolerable ONLY because of Franca’s incredible lack of neck. Vera v. Reese Andy, the man of two names that would bring playground punishment, was utter shit. Vera refused to do anything and Andy unleashed some of the most feeble leg kicks in UFC history. Pretty disappointing for the slim Vera. No title shot for you.
But the man who certainly deserves one is Mr. Anderson Silva. What a performance. While Fedor’s quickness was astounding and his relentless attack impressive, it pales in comparison to what Silva did to James Irvin. In one 10 second spurt, Silva foiled an Irvin kick to the midsection, secured his leg under his left arm and delivered a devastating right to Irvin’s jaw. It was AMAZING. Although Yamasaki (or Dean or whoever it was) let the fight continue for 4 or 5 free shots, which was completely unwarranted, it’s not like Irvin was a champ, that initial punch was enough to end the fight. Irvin was done. He was grimacing and cowering immediately after Silva’s fist landed. Fucking kickass. Give this man a title shot at 205. What are the prospects at 185? More Rich Franklin? Come on White, Silva v. Forrest, New Year’s Eve 2008.
Although Silva was the big human winner of last nite’s festivities, the undisputed champ of the Event had to be the best Prophylactic Distributor in the Biz, Condom Depot!! What an onslaught of ass-ads they waged on the Spike audience last nite. At least 4 fights featured Condom Pimps (would that make them real Pimps?) and offered ample comedy ammunition. First of all, Condom Depot, I must question your decision to place YOUR* ads on the fighters’ ass’. While certainly some of the most visible real estate on fighter’s body, I feel this may send the wrong message to the predominately Heterosexual audience. Something along the lines of “This ass prefers rubbers from Condom Depot”. This poor choice is aggravated by the fact that MMA is the most homo-erotic sport of all-time. While mounting jokes regarding the UFC have tapered with the sport’s acceptance, Condom Depot made them relevant once again. Thank you, Condom Depot. I forgot the joy of a good mounting joke. But my personal favorite Condom Depot moment came during the controversial stoppage of the Burns-Johnson fight. After Burns had been declared winner by TKO, despite being the deliverer of one of the most vicious eye-gouging combos of all-time to Mr. Johnson, a member of the Condom Depot crew, my buddy delivered some timeless comedy: “Johnson, another victim of Burns’ patented poke” Nice Condom Depot. Nice.
Plus, I found this pictureon their website. This domer enthusiast is actually Condom Depot’s President, or Kim D, as the picture’s file name declares. The filthy and very fabricated origins of Kim D. and Condom Depot will be left to the imagination.
*Any other company, no issue