You mean it works for an accused sex offender!?! Spectacular, Vitamin Water!!* Or powerful enough, ah fuck it.
Today I was browsing through the newest Sports Illustrated, you know, the one declaring 6 Time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps “On the Verge”, and was lucky enough to happen upon a bizarre two-page ad from Glaceau Vitamin Water featuring Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, and Dwight Howard. After investigating the Ad**, I discovered how spectacularly lazy, and Anti-Tat, Vitamin Water’s Ad Department has become.
After failing to find a digital copy of the print version, I found the picture above, which I immediatelly recognized as the exact picture used in the supposedly “new” SI ad. The only difference: the SI ad’s picture of Kobe is reversed, making his Tat-Heavy*** right arm hidden from the reader’s view****.
Also hidden from view are LBJ’s Upper Arms, making him the only player in the Ad rocking the T. The other, Dwight Howard, is hanging from a floating rim in the background, pious shoulders bare for all to see. So, what up Vitamin Water? What’s with the Tat-abandonment?
**By investigate, I mean I searched for the pic on Google
***It’s a big Tat, even if it’s only one
****Possibly also hidden from view is Kobe Bryant himself. In the Vitamin Water Ad, he’s rocking a more prominent shnozz and longer hair absent from an SI spread two pages earlier. Looks like Tim Thomas is supplementing.
Half an hour away from game 4 of the Raps-Magic series and still no word on whether or not Jameer Nelson will play. Either way the Raps hold the advantage. Nelson played out of his mind the first two games and his corresponding drop in game 3 was nothing but inevitable. Now that he may be hobbled by back spasms, he is bound to lose a step to Teejose. Hopefully this will lead to extended appearances of Carlos Arroyo. Though when you look at Teej’s torching of him in games three it wasn’t like he was leaving him for easy layup, the majority of his points during that 3 minute stretch came on mid-range Js. Its kind of bizarre. Teej becomes inspired by possibility of inferior opponents? Come on man maintain that confidence.
Also according to the Orlando Sentinel’s great Brian Schmitz, who actually provides objective analysis of what he watches, the Magic have shot an anemic 22.7% from 3-PT range since the first quarter of Game 1. This cannot continue. The Magic were getting fewer open looks in Game 3, but they still received way too many gifts from the Raps overpursuit. They just failed to knock down the open looks. I foresee a closer game than Game Three but clearly the Raps’ will pull it out thanks to the ACC’s continued bullying of Dwight Howard. He really appeared effected in Game Three and yet is another indication of his inexperience. The greats let it inspire them. KG would have been glaring and screaming. Heres the link to Schmitz’s pre-game numbers.
Tonite, the Raptors and a deviant ACC crowd defeated the Orlando Magic 108-94 in game 3 of their first round series. Behind some communist scoring (6 guys in double figures) and guard domination (Raptors guards – 56 points, Magic guards – 28 points), the Raptors guaranteed themselves a return trip to Orlando, whose crowd would have to drop a collective 1000 years and snort a kilo of blow EACH to match the absurdity put forth by the ACC crowd tonite. What a performance by the truthers. At this moment, I think Hedo is holding Dwight ever so gently in the Magic locker room. The fearless ACC laughed in the face of holy repercussions and let Howard have it. After going 14-20 in Orlando, the ACC’s verbal assault on Jesus Christ Superstar forced him to shoot 3-8 from the line. I was gettin all tingly when the Canucks’ chanting of “Howard, Howard” forced the second coming to miss two free throws in the 2nd quarter. Just phenemonal. Guy with beach towel, I salute you.
Also fascinating was TJ’s dismantling of Carlos Arroyo. I didn’t think much of Chuck’s assertion concerning Ford’s love for Carlos’ D, but Teej made him look clairvoyant during an epic three minute stretch that saw the lil Texan score 11 points on the pride of Puerto Rico. TJ has found his Manny DelCarmen. What are the odds of seeing Carlos again in this series? Large I say. TJ finished with 21 on the nite despite sitting the entire 4th.
And why did he sit? Because the Jose of the regular season made a much appreciated appearance. The spaniard was at his sauciest tonite, finding open man after open man and knocking down uncontested treys off kickouts from a doubled Bosh. It was tingling. Though Bosh only had 15 points tonite, his passing out of double teams led to numerous threes from wide open teammates. Bosh’s instincts are far superior to Dwights’ when it comes to double-team recognition. On at least 3 occasions, Howard turned the ball over after being hounded by some nice doubling. You could also tell that the ACC’s collective taunting frustrated the big man, as he commited 4 fouls away from the ball and was goaded into a 5th by some elaborate Jose dance moves.
Another key component of the victory was the reinstatement of Jamario into the starting five. Jamario went off in the 1st half, collecting a double-double and finishing off some poetic ball movement with an open trey. This success did not extend to the 2nd half however, as Jamario regressed into bad habits and started taking awful shots. He actually finished the game as the only Raptors player in the minus (-2) despite being +15 18 minutes into the game. Hopefully the Raps can avoid that dropoff in performance in future games. He did however serve his purpose, igniting the reds to a 61-40 start.
Kapones once again made his case for the final shot by putting up 11 of his 15 points in the 4th quarter to subdue a frisky Magic team that had cut the Raps’ lead to 9 at the start of the final frame. Just a treat.
Despite the fantastic result, tonite’s success just seems to reveal the faults of Sam Mitchell. Kapono’s playoff performance has made his gross misuse during the regular season even more infuriating. I mean he only played 18.9 minutes per game this year, or two less than TJ puppet Carlos Arroyo. Also, Moon’s removal from the starting 5 was also revealed to be idiotic as he played a huge role in the Raps’ hot start. I could just see the old-school Sam talking himself into benching Jamario based on his playoff inexperience, as if he forgot that he just broke the record for Rookie starts. Guys gotta go no matter what the result of the Raps playoff run.
A little foreshadowin during the game maybe. Larry Brown now available eh…
Check out this Dwight-CP3 version of those sweet “There can Only Be One” NBA Playoff ads. Pretty cool. It’s bizarre how every NBA star has those wispy staches that make everyone’s face so compatible. Is this enforced by David Stern? Despite the general awesomeness of the ads, I must dwell on astonishing snub; wheres the Bosh? Wouldn’t the logical combo be Bosh and Howard? Is Bosh’s galactic face so ill-shapen that it is incompatible with any other being? I knew his Alien form would haunt the Raptors. You cost us national exposure man.
The playoffs are upon us. Anything can happen and hopefully will. I am actually impressed with the Raps-Magic schedule. Its pretty decent. Only 1 day’s rest in between each of the first four games, which is rare for an NBA playoff series. The NBA just wants to end it.
Regardless of how attractive TPTB find the Raps-Magic series, I can’t stop thinking about it. The more numbers I look at the more confident I get. It don’t care if few of them support the Raps’ cause. I interpret. Anyways the one fence-sitting figure that has me the most puzzled concerns the Magic’s 3-PT numbers. Not only are they number 1 in 3-PT Attempts, they are also number 1 in 3-PT shooting %. How absurd is that? These figures support my suggestion that the Raps’ refrain from doubling Howard. He creates that many open shots man. Raps otherrans, let Rasho or Bosh or whoever do what they can with Howard. Do not leave your man. Turk and Lewis are lethal.
3-PT shooting has also been key to the Raps’ demise. Pre All-Star break they were shooting 42.1%, tops in the show. This led to a 28-23 record. Post All-Star they only shot 34.2% which corresponded with a 13-18 clip. Whoevers hitting the threes is moving on.
Also enticing (to predict a Raps’ sweep) is the success of the current 1st and 2nd units. According to the ever so helpful 82Games.com the TJ starting lineup may not be as awful as advertised. The combination of TJ-Parker-Moon-Bosh-Rasho has a winning percentage of 82.3% (with a win being the outscoring of the opposing 5). Pretty sweet. Not one Orlando 5 reached that mark and their favorite starting 5, with Nelson at the point, only won 52.3% of the time. The Raps’ current 2nd unit was pretty successful as well with the combo of Jose-Delfino-Kapono-Bargnani-Rasho winning 76.4% of their matchups. Although that lineup only played 47 minutes, and I am blatantly cherrypicking stats to boost my confidence, these figures all point to the inevitable; Raps in 6.
And to prove that my smallball strategy is not purely the incoherent babbling of a pessimistic truther, a lineup similar to my proposal (Calderon-Delfino-Parker-Kapono-Bosh) won 76.9% of the time during their glorious 36 minutes together. Yeeee smallball. To shamelessly pick your own stats to bolster your prediction, heres the link:
So it appears the lamp-rubbing paid off; we received the Magic in the first round (sorry). Swwweet. But this prize ain’t no arabian princess, no sir, its the superman himself, the winner of the most ridicolous dunk contest ever (and not in a good way. redeem yourself Jamario!!), Mr. Dwight Howard. Seriously, I think we can do this, and by do this, i mean beat the Magic, not stop Howard, which is impossible. But fear not for I come with radical strategy, and no, it does not rely on veteran “saavy” (though I could see Rasho exerting his basketball IQ over young Howard. mad TOs)
Before revealing such theory, I’m going to be blunt; we can’t beat Orlando with the lineup we’ve been throwing out there. The problem is not Howard since he will get his double-double regardless of what we throw at him. The issue will be matching up with his supporting cast: Hedo Turk, and the Vernon Wells of the NBA, Rashard Lewis. Their front court is impressingly large with all three coming in at 6’10 or more. Considering the size and athleticism of these dudes, I have no confidence in our ability to neutralize the Magic frontcourt. Therefore, we will have to look elsewhere for an edge. Since we have no logical answer for the Orlando frontcourt,…we must run. Go small. Have the TJ/Jose duo splitting the PG, throw a combination of Delfino/Kapono/AP at the SG/SF, Jamario at the 4 and Bosh at the 5. It would force the slower Turk/Lewis to guard one of AP/Kapono/Jamario and more importantly force Howard to defend Bosh which would ideally create foul trouble which would ideally lead to extended appearances from the shitty O-Town bench. According to 82Games.com, the Magic have the second worst bench in the Association and their frontcourt depth consists of Brian Cook and a character named Adonal Foyle. Since there is little chance that our incumbent lineup can defend the Magic frontcourt, I propose creating better oppurtunities on the offensive end.