Category Archives: Basketball

Glaceau’s Olympic Ad Policy: Hide the Ink

You mean it works for an accused sex offender!?! Spectacular, Vitamin Water!!* Or powerful enough, ah fuck it.

Today I was browsing through the newest Sports Illustrated, you know, the one declaring 6 Time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps “On the Verge”, and was lucky enough to happen upon a bizarre two-page ad from Glaceau Vitamin Water featuring Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, and Dwight Howard. After investigating the Ad**, I discovered how spectacularly lazy, and Anti-Tat, Vitamin Water’s Ad Department has become.

After failing to find a digital copy of the print version, I found the picture above, which I immediatelly recognized as the exact picture used in the supposedly “new” SI ad. The only difference: the SI ad’s picture of Kobe is reversed, making his Tat-Heavy*** right arm hidden from the reader’s view****.

Also hidden from view are LBJ’s Upper Arms, making him the only player in the Ad rocking the T. The other, Dwight Howard, is hanging from a floating rim in the background, pious shoulders bare for all to see. So, what up Vitamin Water? What’s with the Tat-abandonment?

*Too dated?

**By investigate, I mean I searched for the pic on Google

***It’s a big Tat, even if it’s only one

****Possibly also hidden from view is Kobe Bryant himself. In the Vitamin Water Ad, he’s rocking a more prominent shnozz and longer hair absent from an SI spread two pages earlier. Looks like Tim Thomas is supplementing.




Filed under Basketball, Dwight Howard, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Olympics, Vitamin Water

This is Not a Goodbye

Goodbye Good Sir

Today, it was revealed that Primoz Brezec will not be continuing his NBA career*. Roma has poached the 7-foot Slovenian from the Raptors. Damn you Brian Colangelo. Despite your all-league style, all-league offseason deals, and phenomenal tie-knots, your lack of appreciation for the Primoz is truly disappointing. He was the best 12th man our great country has ever seen.

In spite of the immense sense of loss coursing through my veins, Primoz’s departure has provided me an opportunity to reveal the reasoning behind the pseudonym. Considering the small window Raps’ fans had to appreciate the Primoz**, it is a true testament to the man’s awesomeness that I chose to name this blog after the Eastern European Prince. His gregarious charm was immediately apparent to players and fans alike after joining the Raps in a deadline deal. Although I initially knew nothing about the schizophrenic giant, I immediately developed great expectations for the Primoz era. These expectations were surpassed in ways impossible to foresee.

Mr. Brezec, because of the fantastic, and impossibly short-lived Resign Primoz Brezec, tales of your admirable lack of self-awareness were easily available. This is what I learned: although you are a 7-foot white man from Eastern Europe, you did not allow physical or cultural restraints to hinder the pursuit of your ideal lifestyle: Ol’ G. Because of this amazing clash of origins and current life, you will forever be remembered as a beacon of personal choice throughout this great land***.

Mr. Brezec, although your influence was primarily drawn from your breathing example of self-recreation, it does not mean your on-court presence wasn’t appreciated. In fact, for a player with next to no playing time, you made an incredible impression. From your unbelievable rotation of accessories to your inexplicable hatred of opposing mascots, your month of bench duty was the greatest stretch a neglected Raptor ever put forth. Though it was tragically, and amazingly, cut short by a pre-game stretching fiasco, your time in Red will not be forgotten.

Mr. Brezec, despite receiving scant playing time, your presence within our nation not only provided constant entertainment, it also provided a vital message for Canadian youth: Do not allow nationality, race, creed, appearance, or stature dictate the person you wish to become. And because of that I know, This is Not a Goodbye. I eagerly await the inevitable news’ reports regarding the spread of Onyx worship and Long Sleeve Tall Tees in Rome. We will be watching, cheering, and dropping jaws like you were still in the GTA. Best of Luck Mr. Brezec.

Your Indebted Namesake,

Primoz Forever

*This season

**Just 13 Games

***Most likely my property, but possibly elsewhere


Filed under Basketball, NBA, Primoz Brezec, Toronto Raptors

Soft Yanks

Looking at the recently revealed USA Dream Team V or whatever the shit it is now, it appears to be pretty soft round the post. Why did the “mecca” of basketball minds choose to carry 3 point guards, 3 shooting guards, and 3 small forwards yet only 3 PF/C types? Seems like an odd choice, especially the inclusion of Jason Kidd. That guys is balls. Couldn’t ya toss Amare a invite? I mean Jason Kidd? What is he even good at these days? I guess Dwight Howard alone could win the gold.

On a completely hypothetical and selfish note, I’m hoping CB4 uses his time in Beijing to develop some tight relations with the Class of ‘010. The Raps are gonna have 23 Mill to spend in two years. Yessss BC. 

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Filed under Basketball, Chris Bosh, Jason Kidd, USA Basketball

Ray-Ray and the Cs one Win Away

Wow, what a game. After being down 24 in the first half, the Celtics came back to defeat the Lakers 97-91. Although they lost the services of two starters in the 2nd half (Perkins to a shoulder, Rondo to incompetence), the steady “understudies” James Posey and Eddie House subbed in to the tune of 18 and 11. Paul Pierce awoke from his slumber to engage in a chest-thumping duel with Kobe, which he narrowly won as they both finished with 14 during their 2nd half matchup. The Lakers once again had no answer for KG’s post game, as he scored when he pleased on the maniacal Spainard, who once again did little to justify the Kwame Brown trade (please, I beg of someone to write a column denouncing “early judgments” on that deal) But the real star of the game in was Ray Allen, who has been the most consistent Boston Celtic and making him my choice for Finals MVP.

Ray-Ray played all 48 minutes and was a steady contributer throughout the game, notching 5 in the 1st, 4 in the 2nd, 6 in the 3rd, and 4 in the 4th, including the daggah on an open drive with less than :20 to go. The guy is unfazable these days. It doesn’t matter if the Cs are down 20 in the 1st or up 3 in the 4th, Allen plays with the same intensity and focus regardless of pressure, quarter, defender, or defensive responsibility. Though Pierce’s overdramatic embraces and looks to the heavens will be grabbing headlines tomorrow, Jesus may have had the most covertly impressive defensive performance of the NBA playoffs. During the first half, Allen was covering Kobe, who scored only 3 points, all on FTs. In the 2nd half, after Pierce “heroically” demanded to guard Kobe, Allen drew Sasha Vujacic, who was then held scoreless for the remainder of the game. While holding the greatest player in the world to only 14 2nd half points on his home court is surely discussable, shutting out the Lakers’ X-Factor was even more crucial to the Celtics’ victory. The only difference between Tuesday nite’s result and tonite was Vujacic’s shooting and the man responsible for his regression was Ray Allen. M-V-P, M-V-P.

More Finals

What the hell happened to Lamar Odom tonite? Guy came out like Gang-Busters (thank you Mike Breen for the impossibly dated reference. Coming Sunday, Flappers!!), netting 13 in the first quarter but then got complacent. He only dropped 6 after that. What an infuriating player. I pray to god that my absurdly unrealistic situation does not unfold in the future.

Some stats for ya: the Lakers went 10-17 in the first quarter and shot 14 FTs while jumping out to an NBA FInals record 21 point lead. The rest of the game went a little something like this: 21-60 FGs and 11-15 FTs.

I don’t know how much Kobe’s play contributed to the massive breakdown. In the first half, he netted 3 points but dished out 6 assists. In the second half, he scored 14 and dished 4. What happened? Well the Bench Mob disappeared. They scored approximately 0 points in the second half after pitching in with 15 in the first. Throwing them under the bus, however, may be unfair considering no one did anything in the 2nd half. Kobe was the only Laker to score more than 5 points in the final 24, with Gasol getting 5 and Radmonovich, Fisher, and Odom each scoring 4. Kobe must wish he still had access to the skills of Javaris Crittenton.

Pau Gasol is beyond lucky that KG chooses not to expose his shitty D on every possession. I can’t remember one time this series that KG hasn’t scored after working Gasol down in the post.

Though Pierce has played well in the Finals and his loyalty to the Celtics franchise is appluadable, he sure is one alienating dude. First their was the play in the third quarter where he fell to the floor, mid-play mind you, in mock-agony to watch his man Kobe drive untouched for an easy dunk. Doc saw his suppoesedly fragile franchise player writhing in pain and felt it necessary to call a TO to investigate. Well turns out there was nothing wrong with Pierce, who popped right up without a hand from any one. So what did that accomplish Pierce? You cost your team 2 points and a timeout. What the fuck were you thinking man? Did you forget that your late-game “heroics” might not be as celebrated in LA. Shit. 

Another interesting incident involving Pierce occured after Allen had knocked down the layup with :16 to go that put the Cs up 5. First, Pierce was shown celebrating with some goofy ass victory grin despite the fact he had to guard the most gifted scorer in the NBA on the next possession. Victory was not clinched. After Pierce’s frolicking, ABC cameras showed the inside of the Celtics huddle. Ray Allen was in the foreground of the shot with Pierce in the back. As the rest of the team listened to Rivers’ instructions, the camera revealed Allen barking at Pierce to pay attention, who was probably too busy preparing his post-game interview rotation (over-dramatic look to the heavens-check, reminder of clutchness-check, heroicism mention-check. Man, what a fucking douchebag) After about 2 seconds, KG’s face was overcame with a look of disbelief before he too barked at the self-involved cock to listen up. It was a nice dose of reality for all those jokers who believe Pierce is the captain of this team. Anyone who is too immature or self-involved to pay attention to their coaches’ instruction before a possibly series-changing possession is clearly someone who should not be followed.

And finally more statistical evidence for the Ray-Ray MVP.

Game 1 – 19 points 5-13 FG, 8 Rebounds, 5 Assists, 1 Steal, 1 BS

Game 2 – 17 points 6-11 FG, 2 Rebounds, 2 Assists

Game 3 – 25 points 8-13 FG, 5 Rebounds, 2 Assists, 1 Steal, 1 BS

Game 4 – 19 pts 6-11 FG, 9 Rebounds, 2 Assists, 3 Steals

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Filed under Basketball, Boston Celtics, Eddie House, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen

The NBA Finals and Deja Vu

Game 1’s Signature Moment

First of all, no, the Deja Vu in the title does not refer to any nostalgic pandering. I have no idea what the rivalry was like in the past and comparing one game in 2008 to anything in the 1980s would be ridiculous (except Top Gun. Posey and KG). The Deja Vu I’m talking bout is the Denzel shitfest of 2006. Well, what does another mailed-in Denzel film have to do with the NBA Finals you ask? Well, absolutely nothing but I just finished watching the “truth” (wait a tick) and I needed a venue to vent about the absurdity of the sci-fi thriller. So here goes.

The Unfathomable Trio

Adam Goldberg and Denzel Washington Award for Most Inexcusable Duo – Since I’m basically making shit up as I look at last nite’s boxscore, lets go with Pau Gasol and Kevin Garnett. On the one hand you have Gasol, the greasy maniacal Spaniard whose patchy neck beard would draw laughter in Appalachia, let alone downtown LA. On the other, we got KG, or the most charismatic presence to lace up the hightops this decade (20,000 notches secures the all-time post) Their Deja Vu counterparts, which kills me to do since I fucking hate Denzel, are pretty obvious. I mean Denzel Washington may well be the most charismatic person on earth. Seriously, name another public figure who can repeat the same performance dozens of times and yet receive critical acclaim and public love. It’s infuriating, he plays himself every movie. Come to think of it, so does Adam Goldberg. Damn, this list is fucked already. Whatever, its not about whether they play themselves in every movie, which they do, but the absurdity of their pairing. You got Goldberg, the insecure, sarcastic, smug hipster and Denzel, the uber-confident, smooth everyman. Counterparts, counterparts…How bout Sam Cassell and courttime?

Mr. Zen meditating on ways to escape the Finals unscathed

Unaccountability Ribbon – To the coach that, like the film, may be the only piece of cinema immune from plot inconsistency criticism, Phil Jackson. This man is the most unaccountable for Lakers’ losses yet his genius is constantly used as reasoning for their success. If the Lakers lose, you know Kobe will take the brunt of the blame, yet Jackson will point to the Celtics’ superior team play to justify the loss, simultaneously covering his own ass and throwing his players under the bus.

Where have you been Paula? You made the shitpile of Deja Vu mildly watchable

Paula Patton Award for Infuriating Absence – Pretty easy award here, Mr. Eddie House. Sam Cassell may be truly fucked. Who does he think he is? How the hell has he ever gotten starters’ minutes in the NBA. The guy chucks like mad. I have no earthly idea why he gets so frustrated with his teammates either. He doesn’t pass. He doesn’t look to pass. He only shoots. Its shocking he even recognizes his fellow Celtics, let alone speaks to them. House then was the Paula Patton of last nite’s match. Like Patton, I too wonder when I will see him again (for completely different reasons however. I mean, look at her. Where the fucks she been?) Every 5-man unit House was a part of during the regular season was successful. The crowd loves him. His son watches every game from the bench. Give this man some minutes. Like Paula Patton, I miss the House.

Jim Caviezel Award for Biggest Turnaround – Very easy here, if only for the whole savior symmetry, Ray Allen. Unlike Caviezel, who went from playing JESUS to playing a bigoted terrorist whose motives for destruction are never quite revealed, Ray-Ray has had a positive turnaround during this postseason. I mean, guy put up a crazy game last nite. 19 points, 8 rebounds, 5 assists. Nice line, Jesus Shuttlesworth.

Val Kilmer Award for Most Subdued Performance by a Known Lunatic – Where the hell was the Turiaf last nite? Like with Kilmer in Deja Vu, who I was waiting for to drunkenly reveal his appendix was turning back time, Turiaf’s intensity was never unleashed. He was a non-factor in the game and the Lakers are going to need something from him if they wish to win the series. In fact, the whole Lakers front-court was absolutely dominated on Thursday. KG and Perks worked the post at will. I’ve never seen KG’s post game look so dominant.

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Filed under Basketball, Boston Celtics, Denzel Washington, Eddie House, Glen Davis, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, NBA, Ronny Turiaf, Sam Cassell, Uncategorized, Val Kilmer

Chris Bosh on Jay Leno?!?!

Just finished watching Game 1 of the Finals, cruising the airwaves for some pre-sleep entertainment and I fell upon Jay Leno. Couldn’t believe who was on. Non other than the Toronto Raptors Chris Bosh. What the fuck you say? I felt the same way. But you know what? Bosh was fucking great. Actually legitmately, truly funny. I was shocked. Sure the guy had produced some low budget pseudo-comical skits in the past but tonite Bosh was showing off the chops. I guess Leno hired the Raptors franchise to provide some comedic Q & A from the Finals participants and Bosh killed it. He was throwing out some hilarious original questions, busting guys about short shorts, Sex and the City, and random skullets. Few of my favorites: Bosh asking Big Baby what Sex and the City character best represents him and getting a sincere answer that bordered on creepy. Getting ruined by the Mamba with a mean neck slap but getting back at him later in the piece with some Old Spice chirping. Another sweet bit featured some questioning of the Machine, Sasha Vujacic and whether or not Paris Hilton gave him the nickname. Some good ol’ wholesome entertainment. 

Though this is undoubtedly great for the present Raptors’ situation, this kind of exposure has me concerned. It was probably the first time millions of Americans were introduced to Bosh and he killed it. Would a budding national figure spend his prime in Canada, removed from mainstream American media? Who knows but like LBJ’s relationship with Jay-Z, Chris Bosh’s relationship with Jay Leno has me worried. My advice to Colangelo, lock this man up immediately. I don’t care if his extension just kicked in, I want to be in the Chris Bosh business. If tonite’s performance is any indication of what he is capable of in off-court promotion, the next decade could be the Raptors golden era.

Another thing, when Bosh was interviewing Kobe, the Leno crowd went crazy. It’s incredible how much they love him out there. Considering his “hobbies” and all.

I don’t have a link to the video since it just aired but it will probably be available on the NBC website or Red Lasso tomorrow. I implore ya to check it out. Bosh does not disappoint. Above is some classic Bosh comedy to whet the appetite.

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Filed under Basketball, canada, Chris Bosh, Glen Davis, Jay Leno, Kobe Bryant, NBA, Toronto Raptors

Pargo saves the Spurs from Infamy

D-West!! Where ya been friend?

Last nite the Spurs pulled off a truly unbelievable victory over the Hornets, 92-81, in the seventh game of their Western Semi-Final Series. Despite shooting 22% in the 4th quarter. Despite turning the ball over 6 more times than the Hornets (14-6) Despite seeing Manu and Tim miss all 10 of their 4th quarter FGAs.

TP knocking down the dagger

In the 4th quarter last nite, the Spurs were garbage. This clutch bullshit the media is spouting today is absolutely killing me. While I’ll admit that Tony Parker played beautifully, hitting 3 out of 5 4thquarter attempts, including the dagger with 50 seconds left, Duncan and Ginobili were shit. They’re absolutely blessed to escape to the Western Finals.

And why? I can’t even blame it on a single person. It wouldn’t be fair because the whole team displayed an aversion to shoot. Except Jannero Pargo. Who shot the ball 13 times in the 4th quarter. And hit 5. And was somehow allowed to continue. Even worse than Pargo’s bonanza was the complete disappearance of the Hornet’s stars, Paul and West, who shot the ball a combined 6 times in the 4th quarter. So the Hornets 6th man shot the ball twice as many times as the combined total of the Hornets stars. Wow. Sorry for the repetition but that is just incredible. Who is to blame for such an insane discrepancy? Paul and West themselves? Byron Scott for allowing it to continue? or Pargo for going batshit on the rim? Horrible.

I’m going to have to blame West and Paul for the loss. I’d actually commend Pargo for being aggressive. Paul appeared to want no part in the game and allowed Pargo to continue his streak. West was completely absent in the 4th. His one basket occurred in the last 30 seconds when the game was out of reach.

Another Hornet absent last nite was Peja, whose absences and attendance appeared to be the main factor in the series. In the 3 Hornets’ victories, Peja was 20-36 from the field and 8-13 from 3 for 56 points. In the Hornets’ 4 losses, Peja was 13-37 from the field and 3-10 from 3 for 34 points. Tale of two Pejas.

Now that my surrogate team has been eliminated, the Western Finals are dead to me. I honestly don’t care what happens in that series, though I wouldn’t be averse to seeing the Lakers win, if only the Celtics also won, so the inevitable Boston victory would be over the Rocky Terrorizer. As long as Kobe loses.


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Filed under Basketball, Chris Paul, David West, NBA, New Orleans Hornets, San Antonio Spurs, Tyson Chandler