Category Archives: AL East

Yankees abandon Golden Thongs for Porn Staches

It looks like the Yankees are officially out of money. Between wasting money on spiteful digs and underachieving players, the New York Yankees have abandoned traditional developmental methods and turned to slimier measures; Golden Thongs and Porn Staches. Both Jason Giambi and Johnny Damon appear to be rocking the filthy staches usually reserved for Yankees’ fans.

How hard must it be for A-Rod to restrain himself from jumping Giambi’s tail? I mean if the Giambino is walking round the clubhouse with a golden thong AND Ron Jeremy stache, A-Rod must be spending half of his paycheck on Vaseline. Over/Under on days before embarrassing clubhouse masturbation revealed: 3. This actually may be troublesome for the Jays’ chances the next three days. With all that pent-up sexual frustration, A-Rod may rake this series. He went 3-4 with a jack last nite, the same nite Giambi’s smuttiness peaked. Some one should do a study on A-Rod’s statistical swings and his homosexual urges.

Hey Yankees, I’ve got a much better, and infinetely less embarassing, way to create team unity: sign Scotty Rolen.

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Filed under AL East, Baseball, Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Major League Baseball, New York Yankees, Scott Rolen, Sports, Toronto Blue Jays

A Tale of Two Catchers


The Jays have turned things around since May 9th, the day many thought would be the end of their playoff chances. But behind the MLB’s best pitching staff (leads the league in ERA), the Jays have crawled back to within 3 Games of the AL East leading Rays and currently stand at 31-26. This marks the first time the Jays have been 5 games over .500 since 1997*. So whats driving the resurgence of the Blue Birds besides the consistently sublime pitching? I say the Catcher Quandry. Though I hadn’t even considered the catching platoon to be an issue, after looking at some numbers, it appears as if Gregg Zaun enjoys spearheading Losses. In Games the recently calmed Zaunn has appeared in (significant playing time, no pinch hitting, sub bullshit), the Jays have gone 16-21. He was also involved in an anemic April stretch that saw the Jays lose 11 of 12 in  which he played. The other side of the coin reveals the brilliance of Ontario’s finest, Mr. Rod Barajas. In games the Barajas plays in, the Jays have gone 17-10. The post-Mitchell era has been cruel to Mr. Zaun.

Otherness, to Mr. McGowan for extending the Cycle of Litsch streak to an unprecedented four games. When will people see the invigorating properties of Litsch?

Shannon Stewart has a 224 point difference between his batting average in Jays’ wins compared with his batting average in Jays’ losses. Catalyst? Just maybe. All this despite being endowed with the names Harold and Shannon. Amazing.

Though he’s my favorite Jay, arguments concerning his prominence in the lineup are continuing to look bleaker everyday. The Rios is hitting 18 points better in Jays losses. The Jays have won despite him this year. However,  I do take comfort in the company he keeps atop the GIDP leaderboard. Some future HOFs right there.

Matty Stairs has some seriously fucked splits. He is currently hitting .071 against LHP and .300 v RHP. The Canadian boy has also proved my longtime suspicion that he hates Canada by hitting .206 at the Rogers Centre and .333 on the Road.

Props to Baseball Reference for refusing to abandon the Skydome. Strange how the insanely updated site still refers to buildings by their 20th century names. Seriously Awesome.

Among MLB pitchers with more than 60 IP, Jesse Litsch is 17th in Run Support. Dustin McGowan, not so lucky (though that will change after the explosion last nite) He is currently 85th of 86 pitchers with 2.78 Runs/Start.

The Jays are currently rocking two pitchers in the WHIP Top 3!! Marcum is #1 with the Doc coming in at #3.

Marcum is also leading the league by quite some margin in Opponent’s batting average. He has made the AL his collective bitch, allowing them to hit only .160 thus far. Or, for awesomeness context, 20 points less than the next best pitcher!!

Litsch has the fewest BBs among pitchers with 60 IP with 9. Doc has the 3rd fewest with 11.

Though these figures will probably never be topped in the history of man, one number suggests they could be even better. According to the Jays ERC percentage, the pitching staff has been UNLUCKY so far this season. If the figure is less than 100, than it is assumed they have been unlucky. The Jays number: 94!!! Look for a 1-2-3-4-5 showing in the Cy Young voting come October. For a more detailed explanation check this out:

*No actual evidence to support




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Filed under AL East, Alexis Rios, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, Jesse Litsch, Major League Baseball, Toronto Blue Jays

A Royal O’Doyling

Wow, that is some poetic schlock right there. This afternoon the Jays commemorated their return to the airwaves by mangling KC 6-0. Jesse Litsch was brilliant, throwing a complete game shutout and extending his IP w/o a walk streak to 32? innings, a record-breaking feat (props to Pat Tabler for sharing such info, though he obviously deserves none) B-Wilks became the 2ndJay in as many weeks (!!) to hit a first inning grandslam. Crazy stat; when the Jays hit a first inning grandslam, they are currently 2-0. GrandSlams = Victories. Tomorrow, McGowan takes the mound. Hopefully the power of the Cycle of Litsch will propel the struggling prodigy to a W.

Otherness, brought to you by the Jays’ announcing team, who lended some populist legitimacy to the Cycle of Litsch, pointing out Litsch’s last W kick started the Jays’ current run. While this would be apparent to anyone dedicated enough to check a schedule, when delivered by the grisled Pat Tabler, the Cycle is infused with a lil’ ol’ time respactibility.

Lyle Overbay, the one of the Limp Bizkit fandom, has quite the streak going. Lyle has now reached base in 11 straight ABs. 11 straight!! The new hotness (yes…) has seen his OBP launch to a special .402, tops for the Jays.

Jesse “O’Doyle” Litsch completed his game in an economical 103, or one less pitch than the Doc did last nite. He also became the Jays’ leader in wins with 6, or one more than the Doc. Am I the only one who feels the rotation began today?

The Jays are now over .500, currently sitting pretty with a 26-25 record. The last time the Jays were over .500 was April 20, when they were 10-9. Yeee…

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new era. Either the Jays’ fall off the wagon, blow the sweep, andgo back to .500 or they embark on an epic trip to the top of the AL East behind the new leaders (IMO), Lyle Overbay and Scotty Roles. I’m excited. Hopefully the douchebags over at Rogers will spare us the pre-game Memorial Cup coverage and recognize the importance. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow’s starters are McGowan and the bizarro Jay, Gil Meche.

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Filed under AL East, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, Jesse Litsch, Kansas City Royals, Major League Baseball, Roy Halladay, Scott Rolen, Toronto Blue Jays

The Curious Case of Andy Sonnanstine

Last nite the Jays’ were defeated by a man named Andy. Shocking, yes? I’ve only encountered two Andys in my lifetime, one being a effeminate pasty boy from my childhood and the other being Andy MacDonald, a man discarded by the Anaheim Ducks who I assume shares archetypal Andy qualities. So when the Jays’ lost to Andy, I was nothing less than embarassed. Besides carrying the name Andy, Mr. Sonnanstine was also cursed with the throwing motion of David Eckstein, which could best be described as effeminate (its a great word alrite). Awful. I hope AJ pulled a Najeh in his shoes (or an Osi. Whatever your preference) to restore the social hierarchy.

To counter the embarassment of having a man named Andy on their roster, the Rays’ threw out hollywood’s closer in the 9th, Mr. Troy Percival. Unlike the Smear, who only cut his hair in the likeness of a Major League character, Troy actually developed his body to look like the Duke. Thats dedication. But honestly, Percival is a horrifying man. A Jays-Rays brawl would be compelling television. The Beej!! and Percival would undoubtedly lock horns in the battle for most intimidating earthly presence, while the rest of the Jays’ would torture Andy with wet willies and wedgies.  

In the 6th, Overbay came within inches of tying the ballgame but came up short, costing the Jays the game. I hate you Lyle.

AJ had an interesting nite, striking out 10 and allowing 10 baserunners. Good stuff. Some figahs from the BR; so far this season, when RHB pull AJ’s pitches, they’re only 1 of 12 (.083) Traditionally, when RHB batters pull AJ’s stuff (ha), they’re .389. I have no idea what that means. Also strange has been the complete incompetence of the right side of the infield during AJ starts. So far this year, balls hit to the right side (whether there LHB pulling, or RHB spraying) have resulted in baserunnahs 14 of 26 times. To counter, balls to the left side (LHB spraying RHB pulling) have resulted in baserunnahs 5 of 25 times. Coincidence? Too early to call but undoubtedly no. Get my boy T-Snids up pronto.




Filed under AJ Burnett, AL East, B.J. Ryan, Baseball, Major League Baseball, Toronto Blue Jays, Troy Percival

Matty seduces Leafs’ Fans; McGowan seduces Everything

Beej!! is Cassell, Balk is 8 second violation. Beware.

Last nite the Jays’ outlasted the Chitown Sox 1-0 behind some Matty Stairs’ hitting and Dustin McGowan brilliance. The once pronounced “done in Toronto” McGowan looked unhittable at times and forever unfazed by adversity. The Jays pitchers have now racked up 10 straight quality starts.

Chairman Gow had to reveal his cure for cancer in between confusing Sox batters with a brilliance that can only be described as Jesus-like

D-McGowan’s stats indicate his tour of sublimity will not end any time soon. Looking at them are both confusing and arousing. Last year, opposing LHB were  .257 against Chairman Gow. This year, only .227. On the other end, RHB have inexplicably been tearing Gow apart this year. Last year, opposing RHB were .198 v Gow; this year .333!! If he sustains his success against LHB and starts mowing RHB like last year, I have little doubt he will win 7 straight Cy Youngs. Also hindering the campaign is his BABIP which is currently hovering round .330. The league av is .290. Sweet jesus I pity the AL East.

Besides having 4 legitimate Cy Young candidates, the Jays’ are also benefiting from the success of Matty Stairs. Not only is he driving in runs at an epic pace (3 IN TWO GAMES!!!), the homegrown is also endearing himself to MILLIONS of alienated Leafs fans. The brains at Sportsnet have recognized such a patriotic trap and have been consistently berating the audience with anecdotes of Stair’s hockey lust. He skates two times a day in the offseason?!?! Thank you Jamie Campbell!! Matty’s hockey skates have become Chacin’s cologne.

BJ Ryan continued his streak of scaring the shit out of Jays’ fans by walking three straight before locking down the W. Of the Beej!!’s 8 appearances this year, 7 have included some form of baserunner and 4 have seen TWO!! Yet the man has kept his cool and allowed 0 runs thus far. Like the rest of the Jays staff, he has been the epitome of resilience. Besides allowing an assload of baserunners, the Beej!! also has added the balk to his repertoire. The balk has long been a favorite of mine (to me it ranks up there with the 8 second violation) but I was hoping to experience it in situations other than closing time. Having a closer who enjoys the balk really doesn’t excite. For your viewing pleasure, a semi-famous 8 second violation (being unable to locate video evidence of the mythical Sam Cassell testicle dance, I was instead treated to this)


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Filed under AL East, B.J. Ryan, Baseball, Dustin McGowan, Major League Baseball, Matty Stairs, Toronto Blue Jays


The Jays continued their “dealing” streak today when Doc Halladay and co. defeated the White Sox 4-3. It was the Jays 8th straight quality start, though they’re only 5-3 over those 8 games. Damnit. The Doc avoided potential murder charges in the 8th when burgeoning fan favorite Jesse Carlson struck out two to end any threat, though he couldn’t damper the threat that is Jeremy Accardo playing time. Accardo eventually kept it together long enough for Scottie Downs to end the game. May is our time.

 Matty Stairs (yes lengthening names makes me happy) showed some pop in the cleanup spot by spraying doubles to all lands and legging out some close runs at home plate. The Peeve nearly ended his jesus streak of calls in the 3rd but was saved by some poor Sox arms and possibly Zeus. His legend grows by the day.

Adam Lind once again looked uncomfortable doing anything, nearly fucking up some more flyballs and going 0-3 at the plate, lowering his Av to a respectable .049. His shittiness has extended so far that Sportsnet has reverted to displaying his AAA stats when he comes to the plate. SNYDER PLEASE

The Jays also trotted out a pretty sweet lineup, going with a Rolen-Stairs-Wells-Overbay heart, something that worked pretty well. Considering Gibbon’s hatred for continuity, his continuing to put Eckstein in the 2 over Hill is pissing me off. Sure the guys inspirational in a Simon Birch type of way but hes playing like garbage, offensively and defensively. He fucked up a routine GB in the 3rd that cost the Jays a run and has me questioning my faith in his benefits. Aren’t “intangible” guys just as valuable on the bench?

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Filed under Aaron Hill, AL East, Baseball, david eckstein, Major League Baseball, Matty Stairs, Toronto Blue Jays

The Man Manny DelCarmen fears Most

 Every AB is v. Frank Thomas in Manny’s personal Hell

Unfortunately, the Jays will lose Frank Thomas’ unparalleled Manny DelCarmen bitchslapping tool. Though he lacks every other, even the most fervent Big Squirt hater cannot deny this simple truth; Frank Thomas was the greatest hitter alive when facing Manny DelCarmen. We should have sent him to Syracuse to hone his hatred for Manny and call him up for situational ABs. How pumped would you be to see Manny coming from the bullpen? We could set up some situation like Rocky 4 where Frank enters the game to James Brown (or I guess Shawn Desman will do. Sorry) screaming while being lowered from a helicopter into the Centre. I would pay the Big Squirt 8 mill till he was 60 to see that 3 times a year. 

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Filed under AL East, Frank Thomas, Manny DelCarmen, Toronto Blue Jays