THE Conducive Free Agent Signing

In honor of America’s birthday, I give you the chin of Rolston.

Now that the majority of the fireworks have gone off, the big names have changed teams, and the TSN crew has left us in peace, it’s time to predict what Free Agent will deliver the Stanley. While the signings of Wade Redden, Brian Campbell, and Marian Hossa certainly grabbed the most headlines, I feel their additions do not have the potential to enhance their new clubs enough to improve on last season’s result*. While the Blackhawks future looks sweet, they won’t be making any noise this year, at least not Bobby Hull noise**. The Rangers can’t win it all without a charismatic, transcendent leader, so the Redden signing is a mute point and the Red Wings can’t improve on last season’s result. Ahhhh, yessss. Claiming Hossa’s deal to be the most conducive Free Agent signing is just lazy. And boring.

To be the most conducive (to victory if you haven’t figured it out yet) Free Agent signing of 08, you must have signed with a playoff team, be decent at your craft, and most importantly, be loaded with intangibles***. The man that fits the bill best…Brian Rolston, the man of the 4 year-20 mill deal with the New Jersey Devils.

B-Roles will add even more defence to the Devils’ front line, provide reliable special teams, and bring one of the bangingest slap shots in the history of man to the Swamp. Plus, aside from his professional gifts, Roles is loaded with intangibles, the most valuable being his phenomenal facial hair. Seriously, the man’s chin beard alone warrants an MLB roster spot and his stuble makes Rick Nash’s groupies question their lives. Just outstanding growth.

Although giving a 4 year deal to a 35 year old dude is somewhat questionable, this fabricated award isn’t about the future. It’s about the here and now, and I’m predicting a John Elway like end to Martin Brodeur’s career in 2009, allowing Marty to ride into the sunset with as many sister-in-laws as he likes. And he’ll probably enjoy a celebratory sixer with Brian Rolston****.

*THIS YEAR. To the point of the Cup.

**I, like you, have no idea what that means. But I hear dudes with traitorous sons are in constant agony. Fuck you Brett.

***Which again allows me to provide bullshit justification.

****Most likely beer but possibly Sister-in-Laws. Never gets old, Marty.

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Filed under Brian Campbell, Brian Rolston, Hockey, New Jersey Devils, NHL

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