The Ambiguously Diverse Duo

Air Canada Centre, the year 2008.

Chris: JO, welcome to the TO, boy!!! Psyched to have you with us man. Big things this year, big things!! 

Jermaine: Ahh (runs hand through third hairstyle of day), certainly cBO. Me, yous, Jose, AP, Kapones*…I’m looking forward to it.

Chris: Ye, ye, not having Teej around’ll be tough (plays with 2nd hairstyle of afternoon), but you’re sure a welcome return. So what you wanna do on the court? What kind of things should we let you handle come October?

Jermaine: Well, cBO, I’ve always thought of myself as a defensive man first. Put me in the post and I’ll wreak havoc on opposing penetrators. Believe it.

Chris: Oh, for sure!! For sure, JO. I like to work the opposition too, my man. Nothing like swatting, is what I’ve always said. Yeah. Yeah I’ve said that.

Jermaine: Alrite cBO. Together we’ll be averaging 2 a piece. On the offensive end, I like keeping my man on his toes by establishing my mid-range J. Nothing like shocking the opposition with the big man jumper. Devestating.

(BC looks up from conference call with tailor. Injects tie knot. Continues editing FireSamMitchell) 

Chris: Ya JO. Thats what I’m talking bout man. I love working the mid-ranger. In fact, the mid-range is all I’ve got, my man. Give me an opening though, watch out!! I’ll be getting mad free throws!! Well, at least two. KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

Jermaine: I got ya cBO, i got ya. I love getting the attempts too, man. Love it. So, cBO, what hand you shooting?

Chris: OHHHH, you know I’m shooting with the left hand, JO!!! Left handers a special breed!!

Jermaine: A special breed cBO!!

Chris: Ya, thats what I’ve always said. Ya, I’ve said that.

Jermaine: (Suspicous agreement) Ya, me too.

Chris: Ya. So JO, I noticed you’re working the cBO into the vernacular, how bout the JO7.

Jermaine: No.

Chris: Oh, ok. No JO7, thats cool man. What about the ON7?

Jermaine: No.

Chris: Seventh Son?

Jermaine: No.

Chris: Bashing Rap?

Jermaine: No.

Chris: Violent Dinosaur?

Jermaine: Enough, cBO, enough. You’re cBO, I’m JO. That’s how we do in the TO. Working for BC with some AP, we be OK. Sam Mitchell.

Chris: Alrite man, alrite. So what you doing your first nite in the dot?

Jermaine: Well, I’m thinking bout finishing Khaled Hosseini’s latest.

Chris: (Shocked discomfort) What?

Jermaine: You know, the Kite Runner guy? There was a movie (smug aura of rebellion)

Chris: (Mixture of awe and excitement. Not once in his NBA career has CB4 fallen victim to intellectual condescension) Ya, I know who Khaled Hosseini is man. The Kite Runner changed my life. It’s beautiful depiction of Afghani life helped alleviate the fabricated stereotypes created by 9/11. His portrayal of the lifelong guilt created by childhood events humanized the Afghan people and created a unbending bond between me and the inhabitants of that haunted land.

Jermaine: (Uncanny identification of inner-self in another) Yes.

Chris: Yes

Jose: (Stumbles in locker room, donned in black. Pulls two Gatorades from belt holster) Hey guy. Have gatorade.

Jermaine and Chris: (Thirsty from personally unparalleled level of bonding, welcome Gatorades without deviating from each other’s identical eyes. Their mutual favorite Fruit Punch Gatorade cleanses the goosebumps from their throats)

Jose: (Attempts to hide lower lip) You guy see Jarbo?

Jermaine and Chris, Chris and Jermaine: No

Jose: (With head down, leaves locker room, but not before delivering Gatorade to all)

Voiceover: As one questionable male relationship ends in the city of Toronto, another takes it place. When a man as stylish as BC runs your team, there will never be a shortage. Go Raps.



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Filed under Bryan Colangelo, Chris Bosh, Jermaine O'Neal, NBA, Toronto Raptors

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