The Embarrassing NHL Draft

Greasy mop: check. 170 pounds: check. Incapable of proper tie technique: check. This guys like me 4 years ago.

While the NBA and NFL Drafts are must-sees for me, I had never watched the NHL Draft in it’s entirety*. This injustice of my life had to be corrected so last nite, I made the noble attempt. Instead of enjoying the Draft, I stumbled across the reason why no one watches it: no one knows a fucking thing about NHL prospects. Pierre McGuire and Bob MacKenzie are drunken relics who consistently fall back on BS justifications like “he loves to compete” or predicting that Luke Schenn’s future success will be based on his choice of roommate (it was Shea Weber!!!) and billets. Where are the Mel Kipers, the Jay Bilas’, the Mike Mayocks? Those guys know things about the thing their covering. McGuire and MacKenzie are fucking ignorant sloths.

Despite having little to no experience watching ANY of the top 10 draft picks in action, TSN inexplicably refused to use numbers to illustrate why players were going where they were. The only numbers TSN used throughout the nite were point totals. Wasn’t there a goddamn scouting combine? Isn’t there some sort of crazy method of comparing players based on their combine results? Even during the rare occasion when the combine was mentioned, the fucking hacks still fell back on subjective bullshit. Bob MacKenzie justified Colin Wilson at 7 by describing a shirtless Colin**. Zach Bogosian supposedly killed at the combine but there were no examples given as to how. Either the NHL does not release combine results (likely) or MacGuire and MacKenzie are fucking cavemen (a certainty).

Otherness Besides being ignorant turds, the TSN experts also appear to be xenophobic douchebags. Every foreigner chosen is welcomed by fears of defection. Yes, Draft Picks occasionally fail to live up to expectations but just because you’re too lazy and retarded to research foreign players, do not denounce a young man based on his nationality. Seriously, not one minute after Filatov was drafted did fat Bob start foaming at the mouth about Russian homesickness. Just disgusting***.

Speaking of Filotov, I’m seriously skeptical about that guy’s chances of success****. After applauding his English skills, Filotov answered three straight questions with indifferent shrugs. This guys got the fire!!! Sweet pick Columbus. May you forever remain in the bottom 14. 

Sticking with Filotov, the dude seemed incapable of tying a tie. Too much time on the English, I suppose.

Filotov is now my favorite player.

James Duthie asked Wayne Gretzky if he “contends to contend”. Uhhh, yes James.

Stamkos hugged like three rows of people before heading to the stage. Hasn’t he known he’d be number 1 for months now? Doesn’t that leave ample hugging time? Arrogant bastard.

Props to Garth Snow, who has shaken off the early GM jitters, stopped giving dudes 20 year deals, and started using his noggen. The Isle twice traded out of the Top 7 only to land at 9 with 2 extra 2nd rounders with the option of another 2nd rounder or a 3rd rounder. Nice.

Why are random GMs allowed to give shout outs before each pick? Its fucking embarrassing and demeaning. Do the fans at Sullys’ give a fuck if Dean Lombardi is thanking them? I’m going to say no. Plus how could this possibly be thought of as professional. Get up there, announce the pick, and leave. I mean there were fucking two or three introductions going on for one draft pick. Embarrassment. 

*Still haven’t. I bailed after the Top 10. If MacKenzie and MacGuire were pulling shit out of their ass for the best players in the draft, it would have gotten progressively worse. I think watching 10 is a feat in itself.

**He’s ripped. He’s a man. He’s 40.

***Possibly offensive and certainly strange was MacKenzie’s shout out to the Macedonian race. Are we allowed to do that today? Just give props to races? I somehow think Mike Mayock would avoid such behavior.

****Not because he’s Russian either.

Photo, as you can probably tell, courtesy of Getty Images

 

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Filed under Bob MacKenzie, NHL, NHL Draft, Pierre McGuire, Steven Stamkos, TSN

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