Jared Allen Survives on Opponents’ Souls

Check out this great profile piece on the Vikings’ new DE, Jared Allen. Supposedly the man is some kind of thrill seeker who wrestles Longhorns for fun and boars for eats. I have never been so excited and horrified for a new Vike. Overall, the guy sounds like a quality dude, an ideal buddy to hit the town with who will both keep things light and have your back. While this would be sweet in Uni, when your favorite team is dolling out 31 million for the guy, the mix of loyalty and insanity is worrying. It’s amazing we haven’t heard of any barroom brawls involving the guy. Whatever, he’s portrayed as too dedicated to fuck up his day job, which the article reveals has been the culmination of a lifetime of hard work.

Now on to the exciting shit. The article’s highlight for me was this Allen quote:

“When I line up across from a blocker, he knows the fight is going to be brutal,” Allen says. “And when we’re done I want to be able to shake hands and hear him say, ‘Man, that was a long day at the office.’ I want to take a piece of his soul.”

Nice. With this kind of rushing insanity, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the NFL’s Ted Nugent break the sack record this year. Honestly, with the Williams brothers providing help in the middle and removing doubling possibilities, Allen should be let loose on the end. Combine this with the week crop of Left Tackles in the NFC North and Allen could be looking at a historic fall. Lets hope he keeps his demons in check.

Also, on a lighter note, I feel Allen is in need of a badass nickname. This Jared Allen bullshit is too suburban. Since Allen subsists on human soul, I feel a Mortal Kombat parallel would be in order, though that may be a lil dated and no one in Mortal Kombat has a cool name, except Johnny Cage but that dudes a Hollywood pussy who likes punching Shokans in the balls (Why was that even introduced in the movie? I’d like to think of all video game characters as eunuchs. Insinuating that a four-armed sasquatch has human plumbing evokes some pretty disturbing images) Anyways, maybe Finish Him Allen?  

Many thanks to the Sporting News’ Mike Nahrstedt for the great profile. Here’s the link:





Filed under Football, Jared Allen, Minnesota Vikings, NFL

2 responses to “Jared Allen Survives on Opponents’ Souls

  1. dsf

    He looks like a very good pickup for the Vikings this season, a little odd, but a great player. If he stays out of trouble, he’ll be fine.

  2. jays08

    Fine is the understatement of the year sir. I’m thinking more like Transcendent, Sublime, Amazing, Fantastic, Incredible, Hall of Famish. Or worthy of 31 million.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s