Today, the true repercussions of a Conservative government were revealed. Okay, that’s an overstatement but I am fucking furious right now and I need someone dubious to blame. According to CBC (Damn their news responsibility. Them posting this is like a dumped dude walking around wearing a T-Shirt with his ex-girlfriend and her sleazy new boyfriend on it), CTV has purchased the rights to the HNIC theme, who plan to use it in their TSN broadcasts and Olympic coverage. No issue with the Olympic coverage (though I’m not sure how it’s relevantoutside of hockey), but seeing TSN gain the rights to Canada’s second National anthem is disheartening, infuriating, and fucking brrrruuuutal.
Tons of issues with the network switch. First of all, TSNbroadcasts are classless screaming matches between vapid “personalities”. At least CBC warns its viewers of idiotic commentary withthe Coaches’ Corner intro; I guess “The Hockey Theme”* will be the new indicator. Plus, all these assholes will benefit from the nostalgia invoked by the song despite not deserving a goddamn ounce of favor. TSN fucking employs Matthew Barnaby and Mike Milbury, two of the most unlikable and idiotic men to ever be featured on Canadian television. These are the kind of guys that Grapes would rail against in Coaches Corner. years. They’ve featured Lenny Kravitz and Brian Adams in their broadcasts. They’re a silver-spooned child whose daddy just bought them a Ferrari. They don’t give a fuck. They don’t deserve the respect or receive the love a Harry Cole or a Foster Hewitt do. Plus, they have Pierre McGuire. Nuff’ said.
Even worse is the amount of times TSN plans to use “The Hockey Theme” this year. According to Wikipedia, which improves my argument, TSN broadcasts 3-4 games per week during the regular season. 3-4!!! What the fuck? Like the NFL, HNIC’s derived from its scheduling scarcity, which creates a perception of superiority. Now that TSN will be rolling out “The Hockey Theme” 3-4 times per week, it cheapens the song infinitely. What was once Jessica Alba has been transformed into Paris Hilton.
More troublesome is TSN’s “Hockey Night”: Wednesday. Sweet. The HNIC theme used to be a starting gun for Saturday night festivities. If those opening notes blared and you were without a beer in your hand, it was either exam time or you were passed out. Wednesday? What the hell am I to do with that? I’ll be asleep by the end of the first game and not nearly as drunk.
Worse than all this selfish shit is the loss of the collective bond the HNIC theme created throughout Canada. Everyone knows it. Everyone grew up with it and up until today, everyone owned a piece of it. Since CBC is a publicly funded company, our tax dollars made HNIC possible. Now fucking CTV owns it. A fucking conglomerate** owns arguably the most important Canadian cultural achievement of the past 40 years. This is like the US selling America the Beautiful to Microsoft or even more apt, having Wal-Mart kill your local convenience store. Awful day.
You may have noticed throughout the rant that I’ve referred to “The Hockey Theme” in the past tense. Well, to me, the Hockey Night in Canada theme was played for the last time on Wednesday June 4th, 2008. It was a great 40 years.
*This is supposedly the actual name of the song, which is total bullshit. The only “Hockey”
this refers to occurs on a Saturday night.
**Or something other than you and me