Drunk Jared salvages an Awful Night

Fuck YOU TAMPA!! ALLEN’S OURS!!!!

So I check out the sports schedule for tonite, and I instantly have to change my pants. We’re looking at 7th Caps-Flyers, Jays-Rays, Raps-Magic, Hil-Obams, and Suns-Spurs. What did I end up with? Fuckin nothin. My beloved Canadians lost out. My superficial president lost. And worst of all, Bettman launched a new ice age (of indifference. bad pun) for the NHL (ya, Philly-Montreal and Pitt-NY has me hot Bettman, you fuckin Willnot)

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Willnot

Anyways, so I’m looking to the beloved ESPN for anything sympathetic and I fall upon the holy grail of fan makeup sex. The “cryptkeeper” (no matter how big a douche you are Salisbury, you hit the jaw with this one) John Clayton has just reported that reigning NFL sackmaster Jared Allen is going to the Vikes.

 http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3362701

Though we’re now giving up two third rounders to go with the 17th Overall pick, I feel this is definetely worth it. Allens 26. Hes an angry man.  We have the Williams brothers. He will break 20 sacks. Honestly I don’t care if they give him Clements money, this guy will earn it. CBs don’t get reminded enough that they’re playin football. Smack Allen once and he will Osi in your facemask. Seriously, this guy led the league in sacks last year. Now we have the TWO best lines in football. PREDICTION: The Vikes will play 2 home games in the 2009 playoffs.

New Version: Purple Jesus & Bernard? Hutch & Bry? Wills & Wills? Jared & Murderous Rage? I’m cool on all counts.

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Filed under Gary Bettman, Jared Allen, Kansas City Chiefs, NFL, Philadelphia Flyers, phoenix suns, steve nash, Washington Capitals

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