Monthly Archives: April 2008

Pimp slap!?!?

Watch these two douches discuss the necessity of the “pimp-slap with a back hand” in Dirk’s repertoire. Was this commentary subbed in from the 1960s? How the hell can ABC allow their anchors to prescribe the “back hand” on national television?

Also, this is so contradictary to the preceding paragraph but whatever, I thought David West was some kind of fury ball but he appears to be caressing Dirk’s cheek, possibly to compare Serbian to German. Dirk doesn’t even flinch either like he has grown accustomed to Josh Howard’s hazy groping.


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Filed under Basketball, David West, Dirk Nowitzki, NBA

How bad does Jason Kidd want it?

What, to murder a man with his bare hands? I guess theres history there. Yessss.

Thanks to the Odenized (via Deadspin) for the clip of Jason Kidd simultaneously infuriating one state and causing another to stroke their collective Devin Harris poster (metaphor?) VC remains asleep. 

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Filed under Basketball, Devin Harris, Jason Kidd, NBA

Game Fouring

Half an hour away from game 4 of the Raps-Magic series and still no word on whether or not Jameer Nelson will play. Either way the Raps hold the advantage. Nelson played out of his mind the first two games and his corresponding drop in game 3 was nothing but inevitable. Now that he may be hobbled by back spasms, he is bound to lose a step to Teejose. Hopefully this will lead to extended appearances of Carlos Arroyo. Though when you look at Teej’s torching of him in games three it wasn’t like he was leaving him for easy layup, the majority of his points during that 3 minute stretch came on mid-range Js. Its kind of bizarre. Teej becomes inspired by possibility of inferior opponents? Come on man maintain that confidence.

Also according to the Orlando Sentinel’s great Brian Schmitz, who actually provides objective analysis of what he watches, the Magic have shot an anemic 22.7% from 3-PT range since the first quarter of Game 1. This cannot continue. The Magic were getting fewer open looks in Game 3, but they still received way too many gifts from the Raps overpursuit. They just failed to knock down the open looks. I foresee a closer game than Game Three but clearly the Raps’ will pull it out thanks to the ACC’s continued bullying of Dwight Howard. He really appeared effected in Game Three and yet is another indication of his inexperience. The greats let it inspire them. KG would have been glaring and screaming. Heres the link to Schmitz’s pre-game numbers.

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Filed under Basketball, Chris Bosh, Dwight Howard, NBA, Orlando Magic, Toronto Raptors

JP + Billy 4VR

Right now I will attempt to reduce the shame that JP must be feeling by offering an absurd theory as to why he is currently paying for his old boss’ DH. An old boss that supposedly taught the young JP to avoid exorbitant contracts.

JP and Beane have got to be working some sort of backdoor deal here. The JP is currently paying the Big Squirt (porn) 10 million to play on his mentor’s team while the As cap hit is the league minimum, a prorated $337,000 for the Frank’s services. What the fuck JP you aks? I say potential Godfather Clause. Leave the Beane family and he gets one freebie.

If JP wasn’t forced into letting Thomas go, then he must be the laughing stock of the Moneyball community right now. Beane probably only signed Thomas to punish JP for his ridicolous spending over the past few years (OK, Rios and Hill awesome, Thomas and Wells not so much)


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Filed under Baseball, Major League Baseball, Oakland Athletics, Toronto Blue Jays

Manic ACC assists Raps in Game 3 Victory

Tonite, the Raptors and a deviant ACC crowd defeated the Orlando Magic 108-94 in game 3 of their first round series. Behind some communist scoring (6 guys in double figures) and guard domination (Raptors guards – 56 points, Magic guards – 28 points), the Raptors guaranteed themselves a return trip to Orlando, whose crowd would have to drop a collective 1000 years and snort a kilo of blow EACH to match the absurdity put forth by the ACC crowd tonite. What a performance by the truthers. At this moment, I think Hedo is holding Dwight ever so gently in the Magic locker room. The fearless ACC laughed in the face of holy repercussions and let Howard have it. After going 14-20 in Orlando, the ACC’s verbal assault on Jesus Christ Superstar forced him to shoot 3-8 from the line. I was gettin all tingly when the Canucks’ chanting of “Howard, Howard” forced the second coming to miss two free throws in the 2nd quarter. Just phenemonal. Guy with beach towel, I salute you.

Also fascinating was TJ’s dismantling of Carlos Arroyo. I didn’t think much of Chuck’s assertion concerning Ford’s love for Carlos’ D, but Teej made him look clairvoyant during an epic three minute stretch that saw the lil Texan score 11 points on the pride of Puerto Rico. TJ has found his Manny DelCarmen. What are the odds of seeing Carlos again in this series? Large I say. TJ finished with 21 on the nite despite sitting the entire 4th. 

And why did he sit? Because the Jose of the regular season made a much appreciated appearance. The spaniard was at his sauciest tonite, finding open man after open man and knocking down uncontested treys off kickouts from a doubled Bosh. It was tingling. Though Bosh only had 15 points tonite, his passing out of double teams led to numerous threes from wide open teammates. Bosh’s instincts are far superior to Dwights’ when it comes to double-team recognition. On at least 3 occasions, Howard turned the ball over after being hounded by some nice doubling. You could also tell that the ACC’s collective taunting frustrated the big man, as he commited 4 fouls away from the ball and was goaded into a 5th by some elaborate Jose dance moves.

Another key component of the victory was the reinstatement of Jamario into the starting five. Jamario went off in the 1st half, collecting a double-double and finishing off some poetic ball movement with an open trey. This success did not extend to the 2nd half however, as Jamario regressed into bad habits and started taking awful shots. He actually finished the game as the only Raptors player in the minus (-2) despite being +15 18 minutes into the game. Hopefully the Raps can avoid that dropoff in performance in future games. He did however serve his purpose, igniting the reds to a 61-40 start.

Kapones once again made his case for the final shot by putting up 11 of his 15 points in the 4th quarter to subdue a frisky Magic team that had cut the Raps’ lead to 9 at the start of the final frame. Just a treat.

Despite the fantastic result, tonite’s success just seems to reveal the faults of Sam Mitchell. Kapono’s playoff performance has made his gross misuse during the regular season even more infuriating. I mean he only played 18.9 minutes per game this year, or two less than TJ puppet Carlos Arroyo. Also, Moon’s removal from the starting 5 was also revealed to be idiotic as he played a huge role in the Raps’ hot start. I could just see the old-school Sam talking himself into benching Jamario based on his playoff inexperience, as if he forgot that he just broke the record for Rookie starts. Guys gotta go no matter what the result of the Raps playoff run.

A little foreshadowin during the game maybe. Larry Brown now available eh…


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Filed under Basketball, Dwight Howard, Jason Kapono, Jose Calderon, NBA, TJ Ford, Toronto Raptors

A Sign of Draft Exhaustion

So I’m browsing the ol Star-Tribune today and I came across this vital pseudo-prognostication:

Vikings Unlikely to draft running back

Despite universal agreement, the braintrust at the Star-Tribune chose to display this nugget as the top story on their Vikings page. According to sources at the Star, research was conducted during Kevin Seifert’s morning shit. The Star-Tribune: Tackling the Tough Issues.

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Filed under Football, Minnesota Vikings, NFL Draft

Drunk Jared salvages an Awful Night


So I check out the sports schedule for tonite, and I instantly have to change my pants. We’re looking at 7th Caps-Flyers, Jays-Rays, Raps-Magic, Hil-Obams, and Suns-Spurs. What did I end up with? Fuckin nothin. My beloved Canadians lost out. My superficial president lost. And worst of all, Bettman launched a new ice age (of indifference. bad pun) for the NHL (ya, Philly-Montreal and Pitt-NY has me hot Bettman, you fuckin Willnot)

Anyways, so I’m looking to the beloved ESPN for anything sympathetic and I fall upon the holy grail of fan makeup sex. The “cryptkeeper” (no matter how big a douche you are Salisbury, you hit the jaw with this one) John Clayton has just reported that reigning NFL sackmaster Jared Allen is going to the Vikes.

Though we’re now giving up two third rounders to go with the 17th Overall pick, I feel this is definetely worth it. Allens 26. Hes an angry man.  We have the Williams brothers. He will break 20 sacks. Honestly I don’t care if they give him Clements money, this guy will earn it. CBs don’t get reminded enough that they’re playin football. Smack Allen once and he will Osi in your facemask. Seriously, this guy led the league in sacks last year. Now we have the TWO best lines in football. PREDICTION: The Vikes will play 2 home games in the 2009 playoffs.

New Version: Purple Jesus & Bernard? Hutch & Bry? Wills & Wills? Jared & Murderous Rage? I’m cool on all counts.

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Filed under Gary Bettman, Jared Allen, Kansas City Chiefs, NFL, Philadelphia Flyers, phoenix suns, steve nash, Washington Capitals