Glaceau’s Olympic Ad Policy: Hide the Ink

You mean it works for an accused sex offender!?! Spectacular, Vitamin Water!!* Or powerful enough, ah fuck it.

Today I was browsing through the newest Sports Illustrated, you know, the one declaring 6 Time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps “On the Verge”, and was lucky enough to happen upon a bizarre two-page ad from Glaceau Vitamin Water featuring Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, and Dwight Howard. After investigating the Ad**, I discovered how spectacularly lazy, and Anti-Tat, Vitamin Water’s Ad Department has become.

After failing to find a digital copy of the print version, I found the picture above, which I immediatelly recognized as the exact picture used in the supposedly “new” SI ad. The only difference: the SI ad’s picture of Kobe is reversed, making his Tat-Heavy*** right arm hidden from the reader’s view****.

Also hidden from view are LBJ’s Upper Arms, making him the only player in the Ad rocking the T. The other, Dwight Howard, is hanging from a floating rim in the background, pious shoulders bare for all to see. So, what up Vitamin Water? What’s with the Tat-abandonment?

*Too dated?

**By investigate, I mean I searched for the pic on Google

***It’s a big Tat, even if it’s only one

****Possibly also hidden from view is Kobe Bryant himself. In the Vitamin Water Ad, he’s rocking a more prominent shnozz and longer hair absent from an SI spread two pages earlier. Looks like Tim Thomas is supplementing.

9266438614

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Filed under Basketball, Dwight Howard, Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Olympics, Vitamin Water

Cardigans, Indie Tees, and…College Football?

While watching some Jays’ baseball this afternoon, I witnessed two radically diverse sects of American Culture collide in one 30-second spot. Turns out Christian Lander, the painfully self-deprecating defender of Hipster taste*, is the new pitchman for NCAA Football 2009. Shrewd, EA, shrewd.

While I’d usually describe hiring a pitchman who’s unknown to 99% of the country as ill advised, EA Sports has most likely reached it’s selling peak, barring an explosion** of Travis Henry copycats. Either people like virtual recreations of College Football or they don’t. Hiring some panderer like Jeff Foxworthy isn’t going to boost sales enough to justify his fucking absurd appearance fee***.  

Anyways, EA’s newest choice of pitchman is brilliant. While his likeness will go unrecognized by the vast majority of people, those who do recognize him will immediately hop in the Prius and aim it for the nearest Best Buy. Seriously, this guy is the Gandhi of the self-satisfied.

*Or the purveyor of hysteric self-consciousness. Or the man behind Stuff White People Like. Granted, Post #11. Nice.

**Yessssss…

***Sorry

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Filed under Commercials, EA Sports, NCAA Football, Video Games

This is Not a Goodbye

Goodbye Good Sir

Today, it was revealed that Primoz Brezec will not be continuing his NBA career*. Roma has poached the 7-foot Slovenian from the Raptors. Damn you Brian Colangelo. Despite your all-league style, all-league offseason deals, and phenomenal tie-knots, your lack of appreciation for the Primoz is truly disappointing. He was the best 12th man our great country has ever seen.

In spite of the immense sense of loss coursing through my veins, Primoz’s departure has provided me an opportunity to reveal the reasoning behind the pseudonym. Considering the small window Raps’ fans had to appreciate the Primoz**, it is a true testament to the man’s awesomeness that I chose to name this blog after the Eastern European Prince. His gregarious charm was immediately apparent to players and fans alike after joining the Raps in a deadline deal. Although I initially knew nothing about the schizophrenic giant, I immediately developed great expectations for the Primoz era. These expectations were surpassed in ways impossible to foresee.

Mr. Brezec, because of the fantastic, and impossibly short-lived Resign Primoz Brezec, tales of your admirable lack of self-awareness were easily available. This is what I learned: although you are a 7-foot white man from Eastern Europe, you did not allow physical or cultural restraints to hinder the pursuit of your ideal lifestyle: Ol’ G. Because of this amazing clash of origins and current life, you will forever be remembered as a beacon of personal choice throughout this great land***.

Mr. Brezec, although your influence was primarily drawn from your breathing example of self-recreation, it does not mean your on-court presence wasn’t appreciated. In fact, for a player with next to no playing time, you made an incredible impression. From your unbelievable rotation of accessories to your inexplicable hatred of opposing mascots, your month of bench duty was the greatest stretch a neglected Raptor ever put forth. Though it was tragically, and amazingly, cut short by a pre-game stretching fiasco, your time in Red will not be forgotten.

Mr. Brezec, despite receiving scant playing time, your presence within our nation not only provided constant entertainment, it also provided a vital message for Canadian youth: Do not allow nationality, race, creed, appearance, or stature dictate the person you wish to become. And because of that I know, This is Not a Goodbye. I eagerly await the inevitable news’ reports regarding the spread of Onyx worship and Long Sleeve Tall Tees in Rome. We will be watching, cheering, and dropping jaws like you were still in the GTA. Best of Luck Mr. Brezec.

Your Indebted Namesake,

Primoz Forever

*This season

**Just 13 Games

***Most likely my property, but possibly elsewhere

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Filed under Basketball, NBA, Primoz Brezec, Toronto Raptors

Condom Depot Steals the “Biggest Night in MMA History”

Last night, both the UFC and Affliction battled it out for MMA supremacy on Spike and PPV, respectively. Being the casual-est of fans, I felt no need to doll out the 50 bones for a glimpse of the mythical Fedor (this video proves my decision to be quite retarded)

Whatever, I enjoyed the majority of the card. Taylor v. Dalloway saw the Upper Lip utilize the Peruvian Necktie, a move I’ve never heard of or seen attempted. It was gnarly and will now be my go-to-move in Memphis street fights. Cain v. Ed O’Brien was pretty uneventful, Cain pinned his arms beneath his legs and arm, laid across O’Brien’s chest, and methodically pummeled his face for 2 minutes. Edgar v. Franca was garbage. Hermes looked unbelievably weak and was painfully deliberate in his movements (except for one freakish surge of energy that saw him break guard and somehow lock BOTH OF Edgar arms between his legs for an armbar attempt) It was broken and the rest of the fight was tolerable ONLY because of Franca’s incredible lack of neck. Vera v. Reese Andy, the man of two names that would bring playground punishment, was utter shit. Vera refused to do anything and Andy unleashed some of the most feeble leg kicks in UFC history. Pretty disappointing for the slim Vera. No title shot for you.

But the man who certainly deserves one is Mr. Anderson Silva. What a performance. While Fedor’s quickness was astounding and his relentless attack impressive, it pales in comparison to what Silva did to James Irvin. In one 10 second spurt, Silva foiled an Irvin kick to the midsection, secured his leg under his left arm and delivered a devastating right to Irvin’s jaw. It was AMAZING. Although Yamasaki (or Dean or whoever it was) let the fight continue for 4 or 5 free shots, which was completely unwarranted, it’s not like Irvin was a champ, that initial punch was enough to end the fight. Irvin was done. He was grimacing and cowering immediately after Silva’s fist landed. Fucking kickass. Give this man a title shot at 205. What are the prospects at 185? More Rich Franklin? Come on White, Silva v. Forrest, New Year’s Eve 2008.

Although Silva was the big human winner of last nite’s festivities, the undisputed champ of the Event had to be the best Prophylactic Distributor in the Biz, Condom Depot!! What an onslaught of ass-ads they waged on the Spike audience last nite. At least 4 fights featured Condom Pimps (would that make them real Pimps?) and offered ample comedy ammunition. First of all, Condom Depot, I must question your decision to place YOUR* ads on the fighters’ ass’. While certainly some of the most visible real estate on fighter’s body, I feel this may send the wrong message to the predominately Heterosexual audience. Something along the lines of “This ass prefers rubbers from Condom Depot”. This poor choice is aggravated by the fact that MMA is the most homo-erotic sport of all-time. While mounting jokes regarding the UFC have tapered with the sport’s acceptance, Condom Depot made them relevant once again. Thank you, Condom Depot. I forgot the joy of a good mounting joke. But my personal favorite Condom Depot moment came during the controversial stoppage of the Burns-Johnson fight. After Burns had been declared winner by TKO, despite being the deliverer of one of the most vicious eye-gouging combos of all-time to Mr. Johnson, a member of the Condom Depot crew, my buddy delivered some timeless comedy: “Johnson, another victim of Burns’ patented poke” Nice Condom Depot. Nice.

Plus, I found this pictureon their website. This domer enthusiast is actually Condom Depot’s President, or Kim D, as the picture’s file name declares. The filthy and very fabricated origins of Kim D. and Condom Depot will be left to the imagination. 

*Any other company, no issue

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Filed under Anderson Silva, CB Dollaway, Dana White, Fedor Emelianenko, MMA, UFC

How to Lose Free Agents and Alienate Veterans

Step 1: Honor a child with your captaincy!!!

Straight from the WWL: Blackhawks name Toews Captain. You got to be shitting me.

When in the hell did this practice become an option? I assume the vast majority of NHL players grew up in the same leadership environment as I did; when it comes to choosing the C, the options begin and end with the most experienced players. And now the NHL is adopting a practice that spits in the face of this successful, and logical, method. This shit is ass-backwards. Fuck grassroots development, the NHL is dictating a new definition of leadership from the top-down.

I’ll admit Toews seems like a swell chap. World Junior hero, Stevie Y-comparable, Chi-town savior, whatever. This declaration is fucked. If I had been named captain of my high school team as a FRESHMEN, veteran rebellion would soon follow. And I would completely understand. Sure, these guys are more mature, older, seasoned, all that jive but the old-school (Read: Proper. In this case anyways) way is still instilled
in these guys. There’s no way they ain’t feeling slighted. Brian Campbell especially.

Supposedly BC, who has experience as an NHL C, took less money to play in ChiTown. Sure, he was probably excited to play with the CHI 88s, but there had to be something more to the equation, especially for a dude who made his wishes to play near home (SW Ontario) well-known. Now he has no chance of ever leading this team and is stuck with the Hawks for 8 years, assuredly receiving diminished credit the whole time. I mean, the BC era and the Toews leadership era will begin on the same October night. Raw, raw deal my friends.

Why are the Blackhawks doing this? I mean, the past experiments should be enough to dissuade. Sure, Stevie Y is the shit, but he didn’t evolve into the player we all remember until Bowman showed up, and didn’t deliver his first cup until he was in his late 30s. Vinny was stripped of his C after one season and was rocking the A when the Bolts took the cup in 04. Granted, Crosby led his team to the Finals in just his
second season, but I feel the lack of Free Agent action is a more telling side effect of infant captains. Sure, they resigned some important pieces but were fucking inept on the FA market. This team is once again devoid of veterans and therefore more likely to falter come playoff time. Chitown is shaping up like Pittsburgh West. Being progressive ain’t worth it.

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Filed under Brian Campbell, Chicago Blackhawks, Detroit Red Wings, Hockey, Jonathan Toews, NHL, Pittsburgh Penguins, Sidney Crosby, Steve Yzerman

Raptors’ Related Thoughts on the James Posey Deal

First of all, the New Orleans Hornets are supposedly now the favorites to win the 2009 NBA Championship. To justify this certain people have turned to voodoo math, making the point that the last two teams with James Posey as their 4th best player have won the Title*. But this argument is flawed**. Posey is the Hornets’ 5th Best player***. By the smallest of margins, Tyson Chandler is the Hornets’ 4th best player. Considering the rebounding, shot-blocking, paint presence, energy, and, most importantly, unfulfilled desire for victory**** TC provides, no one can tell me Posey is “better”. Granted, he is a bad motherfucker.

Anyways, I couldn’t help, mostly out of jealousy and/or rage, examining the signing through the ever-present Raptors’ venom hole. Let’s see: 25 Million over 4 years, eh? That sounds eerily familiar (and the eventual revelation is damn-near fatal) Oh wait, we’ve got Jason Kapono for 24 Million over 4 years. Sweeeet. At least our investment will return more Individual Awards. At least were playing A game the Herm way. 

Adding to the swingman similarities and Raptors’ connections, Morris Peterson’s making 23 Million over 4 years. Poor Mo Pete. Going from desired to discarded in 1 year must suck. Where is he now on the SG/SF Depth Chart? Best case 3rd, possibly 5th (behind Peja, Posey, and youngsters Wright and Butler) I mean, he’s basically a defensively inferior Posey. Plus, now that they have a proven Clutcher, his 3-point prowess will probably be neglected come Playoff Time. Seriously, there’s no hope of him playing meaningful Playoff minutes without a catastrophic mishandling of Peja’s Eurobeard. Will he even be in the Playoff Rotation? Too early to say, but I’m leaning towards no (I say Paul, Pargo, Posey, Peja, Wright, West, Chandler, Ely and maybe Mayo MySpace Friend, Hilton Armstrong)

I don’t know whose patience should be questioned more, or who’s GM is Osying most. While swapping Posey for Kapono would certainly secure an East Finals’ appearance in 09, and thus making BC’s lack of patience worthy of fanbase rage, NO did pay 2 Million dollars less for a homeless man’s James Posey only to sign James Posey upon realizing their mistake. But then again, they do have James Posey. Hmmmm…tough.

*This in turn making a 2009 NBA Title for the Hornets relatively plausible

**And not just for the absurdly subjective precedent it relies upon. Return to the top for more!!!

***This in turn clearly, obviously, certainly, securing the 2009 NBA Title for the Hornets

****Let’s be realistic here; killing yourself to win YOUR SECOND RING for transcendent veterans like KG, the Truth, and Mr. Shuttlesworth is MUCH easier than killing yourself, for YOUR THIRD RING mind you, for a 3rd year pup like CP3. I’m now tapering the astronomical expectations***** I initially felt for the 09 Hornets. We’ll have to see how driven the Pose is. Though, I honestly cannot see him matching his INSPIRED 08 performance.

*****I’m talking dynasty-type delusions, if only to maintain a semblance of a cohesive argument. Cheers.

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Filed under James Posey, Jason Kapono, Morris Peterson, New Orleans Hornets, Toronto Raptors, Tyson Chandler

Rick Reilly is tired of these Mother F****** Atheists in his Mother F****** Country

“It’s a bad night to be an atheist” – Rick Reilly, July 14, 2008

This particular nugget of arrogance came from the beacon of sports journalism himself after the ESPN announcing team exhausted all reliable descriptions of amazement while Hamilton was punishing the rawhide, leaving the crew to spit Hyperbole like a prompter-less (and retarded) politician.

Yes Rick, all atheists have been following Josh Hamilton, attempting to bring failure and relapse upon him through witchcraft and blasphemy. They’ve put chotch in his coffee and heroin in his fondue. Hamilton voodoo dolls are best-sellers in the underground Atheishops poisoning your community. But now that Mr. Hamilton has broken Derby records, Josh’s relapse will obviously not happen. The tight-knit atheist community has failed. They will now acknowledge the existence of your savior, dwell on the sentimental, and preach to the ignorant.

Reilly’s comment is infuriating for the number of falsities it evokes: 1, Atheists hate Josh Hamilton, 2 Atheists hate Home Runs, 3 Atheists hate believers hitting Home Runs, 4, Atheists LOOOOVE Drugs, 5, Only the pious can kick habits, and finally,  6, Atheists congregate to sabotage the life of Josh Hamilton and every other practicing member of organized religion.

Reilly, unlike Religion, being an atheist is not life-defining. It’s a footnote. To me, it seems like little more than uncomfortable party fodder. No one is proudly claiming to be an Atheist or basing their REAL-LIFE decisions upon their LAW-SUPPORTED choice not to worship or others’ LAW-SUPPORTED choice to. As much as the idiotic Reilly believes, Atheism does not revolve around the systematic sabotage of organized religion.

Whatever. Keep up the hypocrisy. The worst thing about Reilly’s comment is the complete disregard it shows for Hamilton’s family and friends. You know, the earthly presence that guided and supported Hamilton through his recovery. As much as Reilly believes Jesus was the one suffering from Hamilton’s addiction, this is more than likely not the case. Actual people suffered and struggled through the worst and best of Hamilton’s demise and recovery. While it would be fucking awesome if Jesus himself convinced Hamilton to stop doing blow, I kind of doubt he did. His wife, mother, father, brothers, sisters, and friends were paramount during his realization of his problem and the presumed horrendous rehabilitation period that followed. They deserve all the credit in the world* for what Josh Hamilton has achieved these past two seasons. His new-found belief was inspired by their benevolence. Though granted, I’m sure Jesus was giving a big Thumbs Up from his Deluxe Apartment in the Sky**. 

This shit sounds like a WWE call out. Ya I see you Atheists. I see you peddling smack on the corner of the Rangers’ hotel. You know what? Rick Reilly don’t play dat. You know what he’s gonna do? Tell God to rig the Derby. Ya, no Devil-Worshippers winning this Derby, no sir. You know what he’s gonna do then? Rub it in that minuscule sub-culture’s face!!! YAAAAA, and you who’s next on the Reilly’s denouncing list? The Gays!!! OHHH YAAAA.

It’s similar to proclaiming “It’s a bad nite to be a Jew” after Ryan Braun was eliminated or “Fuck You Canucks!!!” after Morneau was pummeled. Leave beliefs, race and nationality out of it. It’s the FUCKING HOME RUN DERBY. Just enjoy it. Don’t use Hamilton’s incredible accomplishment as a soapbox to criticize and divide. Everyone enjoys Home Runs. Everyone respects Redemption. And I hope after Monday night, everyone ignores Rick Reilly.

*Besides Hamilton himself, who should be applauded (a lil’ more, but that’s it) for what he’s accomplished

**Although according to the ESPN crew, Hamilton still does not trust himself enough not to seek out the drugs that ruined his life and travels with a friend who keeps him on the straight and arrow. Mr. Christ, paging Mr. Christ

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Filed under Baseball, ESPN, Josh Hamilton, Major League Baseball, Texas Rangers